Relationships between people are an eternal mystery. But the most incomprehensible thing in the world is our relationship with ourselves. The better they stack up, the more likely we are to succeed in everything. But how difficult it is, it turns out, to learn to love and appreciate yourself. Psychologists say that more than 80% of modern people experience any complexes and suffer from low self-esteem.
If a person with low self-esteem, dissatisfied with himself, ask: "Who was dissatisfied with YOU, for whom you were not good enough?" - in almost 90% of cases, the answer will be: dad or mom. The origins of our self-esteem are laid by our parents. It's easiest to say that genes are to blame. But in this case, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to change something.
You can build that childish situation, mentally returning yourself to the age when your parents first began to criticize you, and change - not them, this is already a given, but your attitude to the situation. After all, criticism, like a thin blade, cuts off from an unformed person all creative spontaneity, all his energy, his self-esteem. Having mentally reproduced this situation, you can remove that load, that program that was laid down by your parents. And then a person sees himself not through the eyes of the first teacher, who hammered “useful” into him, not through the eyes of his mother, who was constantly unhappy with him, and not through the eyes of his father, who always said: “You study poorly, and who are you born into?” (By the way, this question is very useful to ask the parents themselves: “So who are we really born into?!”) Try to look at yourself with different eyes, and you will understand that you are not so bad as you used to think. Self-esteem is always the result of comparison. The main thing is to find someone to compare yourself with. These authorities, of course, all have their own. A person compares himself to someone who, in his opinion, has reached great heights. Adolescents measure success by sociability: who has how many friends, who has great authority among peers.
Adults have other comparisons: money, career, car brand, cost of a suit, apartment, dacha, prestige of the profession - they have their own "toys". Here it is - the mechanism, which is always based on the thought: "I am worse than …" If a person has low self-esteem, this thought always gnaws at him from the inside.
I am alone, there will be no other
There are many ways to escape from yourself, but none of them has yet saved anyone. You don't have to run. We must help ourselves. Here the world around is outside the zone of your competence. And when you work on yourself, you work with what is within your competence, because you know yourself better than anyone else.
And that's why you need to learn to build relationships with yourself just like with another person. And there is such a chance - to build other relationships with yourself, more comfortable and productive. You need to start with the fact that you will no longer have another yourself, and with this person whom you see when you look in the mirror, you have to spend quite a lot of years.
Release from the burden of the past
Try at home to do an exercise that is often offered in psychological training. Remember all the bad things that were said about you, put it in one "basket" - and symbolically throw it away, thus freeing yourself. Because someone else's opinion of you is just someone else's opinion of you. It's not you, it's the impression you make on others. And we must learn to separate these things.
A person's self-esteem is like a vinaigrette: it is made up of the opinions of others ever heard. What did someone say about me? With whom did I compare myself, what did I see as my shortcomings? As a result, a whole string of complexes is built up, which a person drags with him, and this burden must be disposed of. Some self-criticism is inherent in everyone, this property of a thinking person is to doubt the correctness of their decisions and actions, otherwise we would not have any brakes. But to appreciate your dignity, not to forget that you are unique, is necessary.
Dialogue with a mirror
We do not even see our reflection in the mirror as a whole, we see exactly those parts that do not suit us. And here everything is based on stereotypes: if you are not tailored according to standards, and beauty standards look from all the covers - here it is a reason for suffering! You can, of course, fix something, change it with the help of plastic surgery. But, if the trouble is in the head, no matter how you reshape yourself, the trouble will still remain. One woman suffered because of the shape of her nose. But after surgery that completely changed her nose, making it perfectly beautiful, she claimed that she still felt like she had an ugly nose.
She thought she had suffered all her life because of her nose, it was her nose that was to blame. The culprit was removed - something needs to be done with life, but there is no one else to blame. Dissatisfaction with one's appearance is actually a form of irresponsibility towards oneself. After all, much of what a woman is dissatisfied with in herself can be corrected, corrected by playing sports, eating right and caring for herself.
If I were a queen…
What would you do if you suddenly became the way you wanted? How would you behave? Why not discard everything that prevents you from acting like your imagined ideal? If you think about it, it turns out that all these reasons are false, invented by us. Let's find the "main enemy" - the nose, eyes, ears or legs. And we will begin to act as if there is something perfectly beautiful in its place, we will begin to compliment this part of the body. Let it be insincere, still say a compliment to this part of the body, and in the mirror.
And every time you pass a mirror - in the bathroom, at work, anywhere (and every time we look in the mirror, the eye clings to weaknesses, such is the peculiarity of a person), admire this "detail". And then amazing things turn out: the world around you begins to react to you differently, because you are freed from other people's opinions and radiate self-sufficiency.
Change beauty standards
Try to act as if you were the standard of beauty with your appearance. After all, standards change from time to time. In the 20s and 30s of the last century, it was fashionable to whiten the skin and be in the body. Now it is fashionable to be tanned and exhaust yourself with diets. And then such a tall, thin and tanned beauty would be looked at with horror.
Try to introduce your own fashion. After all, many popular personalities do not meet the standards of beauty. Take small, bald Jack Nicholson or plump Gerard Depardieu - men who are in love with women all over the world. And Barbra Streisand? Are they beautiful? It is difficult to answer, maybe yes, but not by the standards of beauty that are considered generally accepted. Therefore, beauty itself (and many women rely on appearance) is a type, a standard that is currently in fashion. Appearance will work for you when you realize that it is unique, that there are no others like it, and all thoughts that it is better or worse are the world of your own ideas. Therefore, many of the people we adore become the most beautiful to us, although they are not at all.
So, if you want to be happy, sociable, sociable, feel attractive, act like you are the best, all this is available to you at the moment. You can start your own reassessment, give yourself a "plus" right now - and the world will spin around you! This is the main recipe.
Signs of low self-esteem
clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, employee of the Scientific Center for Mental He alth of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.
Self-doubt occurs periodically in almost all people. This is usually temporary, but sometimes dissatisfaction with something in your life, personality traits or details of appearance can become all-encompassing.
What to do? Identify what you are dissatisfied with about yourself. If you don't feel comfortable around men because you think, "I'm so fat, ugly, I'm not good enough for him," say to yourself, "I don't like my figure (which is fixable), but I'm smart, charming and I have a beautiful face." It's not about making a list of your strengths that would outweigh your "terrible flaw", although this is also sometimes useful, but about not spreading a negative opinion about your whole personality as a whole. If you feel insecure behind the wheel and think “I can never learn to drive, I’m not good at anything at all, etc.”, you seem to be saying: “I’m generally not good enough at everything.”
What should I do? Tell yourself: “I feel insecure on the road precisely because I still don’t drive very well, this is not related to my other qualities.” With a clear understanding of the source of uncertainty, it will be easier to limit its influence and, in some cases, eliminate the cause itself. The main thing is that awareness of the problem is a serious step towards its solution. Most often, self-doubt is associated with fictional shortcomings and weaknesses. However, it can also be associated with real-life problems. If you were not good at math since childhood, and your parents drove you to accounting courses, then you feel insecure at work, constantly recheck yourself and still make mistakes, which makes you even more doubtful of your competence, in particular, your intellectual abilities in general.
What to do? Maybe you should think about changing your profession and job? Look for a position that is more suitable and interesting for you, and not try unsuccessfully to "save face" by receiving another reprimand from your superiors. A clear awareness of your emotions and experiences is the most effective way to help cope with psychological problems. You can fix something with the help of plastic surgery, but if the problem is in the mind, no matter how you reshape the face, nothing will change. There is no such woman who would be completely satisfied with her appearance.
“I, like many women, was once unhappy with my appearance. Yoga classes helped me overcome these complexes. When I saw in the mirror how my body was changing, self-doubt gradually disappeared. In general, our generation is not accustomed to taking care of the beauty of its body. Our mothers wanted to feed us as much as possible, and if the girl grew plump, then this was a sign of prosperity and well-being.
Now a lot has changed, including women's attitude towards themselves. The new generation is used to watching their figure from a young age, and for my peers, I think the main complex is connected precisely with dissatisfaction with their figure. By working on her body, a woman automatically raises her self-esteem. This helps her find freedom in everything. And yet, when a woman falls in love, she has a desire to please the one you love. And this is a wonderful incentive to take care of your appearance, your body. If a woman is satisfied with her body, then she does not experience complexes in sex, and this is very important for her self-esteem!”
“A woman's self-esteem, in my opinion, depends entirely on the attention of men. Personally, I overcame many of my complexes only after I starred in the first big picture with Stanislav Govorukhin. So my work also helped me. Before this picture, I was shy about myself a lot, had little faith in myself, and after the success of the film, self-confidence appeared in me, not only as an actress, but also as a woman.
To increase self-esteem, it is important for a woman to work a lot on herself. You need to clearly know what you want to achieve in life, and move towards this goal in all possible ways. You need to truly love and respect yourself, which means constantly changing yourself for the better. It is worth being objective and at the same time loving yourself, striving for self-improvement!”
“I think that every person has their own complexes. For example, at one time I really wanted to be a blue-eyed blonde, but then I nevertheless realized that it is not necessary to change eye color in order to feel more confident. The point is to try to turn the apparent minus into a plus. The weapon of a woman is her weakness, the highlight of a woman is her dissimilarity to others.
You need to be able to discern this zest in yourself, because others perceive us as we perceive ourselves. What makes us beautiful is the charm that only a self-confident person can radiate. Positive energy emanates from him, he is free from complexes. I am sure that a positive attitude is what increases attractiveness and self-esteem!”