Many of us think that the depth of our feelings is measured by suffering and that only those who suffer, worry and cry into the pillow at night really love. Is that right?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUFFER A LITTLE?
Research confirms that most people view suffering as an integral part of love, and that willingness to suffer for love's sake is a positive rather than a negative quality. Smooth, calm relationships are perceived as insipid, uninteresting. Some couples, in whose relationship everything is smooth and even, are even ready to test their feelings so that they also have experiences and bloody passions, like everyone else. The confusion lies in the fact that the absolutely positive and creative feeling of love is considered to be a painful and destructive feeling of mania, addiction, akin to alcohol.
HE WORK - SHE SUFFER
The problems of addiction apply equally to both women and men. However, men more often try to avoid love suffering and protect themselves, pursuing external, impersonal goals. They throw themselves into work or hobbies, earn money with maniacal perseverance, conquer mountain peaks, skydive or fanatically support their favorite football team. Men are more often addicted to other "dopings" - alcohol or drugs. Women, on the other hand, tend to be obsessive in relationships, choosing traumatized and alienated partners. How often have you seen or heard stories about women who could not breathe on their beloved, and at the same time he was cold and distant? Or maybe you yourself are such a woman?
SIGNS OF DEPENDENT NATURE
Pay attention to your thoughts and actions
- Do you think about his problems and don't care about your own life and your desires at all?
- You can only talk about him with your friends, but when it comes to another topic, you are frankly bored?
- Relationship with him is the meaning of your existence, and everything else - career, hobbies, friends - seems secondary?.
- Do you feel sorry for anything for him and are you ready to fulfill his every whim, no matter what it costs?
- Are you ready to give up everything to meet him once again?
- His indifference and selfishness do you constantly justify and think that your love will change him and make him better?
- Relationships with him cause you painful experiences, rare euphoria is replaced by prolonged depression, without a lover on whom you can focus all your attention, do you withdraw into yourself?
- Do you often experience the physical and emotional symptoms associated with drug abstinence: nausea, sweating, hypothermia, seizures, chaotic thoughts, depression, insomnia, panic and anxiety attacks?
- Are your feelings for him or your relationship threatening your emotional or physical well-being or the well-being of your loved ones, yet you continue it anyway?
- This is not your first crush of this kind, have you often suffered from "too strong feelings" for men?
If you answered yes to these points, then most likely you are in a love addiction and you need to think about the reasons and ways to get rid of it. (By the way, it is not at all necessary that after this you will part with the person whom you are now almost deifying. It is quite possible that you will be able to achieve that your relationship will simply become more he althy.)
As a rule, women suffering from love addiction grew up in a dysfunctional family where they were not caressed or supported. Having received little true love at a young age, such a girl tries to satisfy her need by becoming overly tender and caring - especially in relation to a man whom she subconsciously perceives as a parent. That is why she chooses as a partner the one who is most similar to the critical or mentally unavailable loved ones from her childhood, whose affection she could not win. Most often, she unmistakably singles out such a person from hundreds of others, which colors the first meeting with an extraordinary emotional shock. Psychologists call this the “phenomenon of recognition” (You just entered, I instantly recognized. I was stunned, blazed, and in my thoughts I said: “Here he is!”). Her chosen one may be carried away by work, some other problems that separate him from her, but she clings to him like a drowning man for a lifeline. "The phenomenon of the infinity of time" - a few days after meeting her, she gets the impression that she has known him "all her life." These impressions are confirmation that her feelings are more controlled by the subconscious than by common sense.
An addicted woman tries to “replay” her childhood scenario with such a partner, hoping that if this time she does everything “correctly”, then everything will end with a happy ending. Therefore, she is so afraid of a break in relations and is ready for anything to save them - because for her it will not be just a separation, but the departure of a parent, a tragedy of her whole life. And his coldness does not frighten her at all - she is no stranger to this. The further he moves away, the closer she moves, the more actively she tries to please him, to please him. She takes full responsibility and blame for everything that happened in the relationship. It is not surprising that her self-esteem, already not very high, is falling lower and lower. Inwardly, she does not believe that she is worthy of happiness; rather, she believes she must earn the right to enjoy life. Therefore, she does not like kind, reliable, men who are interested in her. The "good guys" seem too boring to her, completely inappropriate. More precisely, deep down she considers herself unsuitable for them. It does not matter how she really looks.
Is it hopeless? Are you doomed to always be unhappy if one day you were unlucky? Of course not. Now you are no longer a small defenseless child, you have enough strength and experience to help yourself. Remember that you, like everyone else, are worthy of love, attention and respect, and that normal relationships involve reciprocity, but not suffering.
BACK TO THE PAST
There are special techniques that allow you to get rid of addiction. Performing this exercise is very effective in cases of dependence on another person. Get into a comfortable position, preferably lying down. Relax your body for a few minutes, breathe deeply and slowly. After a while, when you are completely relaxed, imagine that you are walking along the road. This is an unusual road - it leads to the past, to your childhood. Go there. You need to meet a little girl 4-5 years old on the road. It is you. Approach this baby, sit down next to her, call her by name, take her in your arms, stroke, calm down, say kind words to her. Tell her that you love her very much and will protect her, that she can always rely on you, that everything will be fine in her life, you will always be by her side and will never betray her. Play together and then slowly follow the same path back to the present moment.
THREE STEPS TO HEALING
1. It is best if you talk about your problems with a psychologist. It is very important to understand and accept that your life, reminiscent of a roller coaster, only gets worse over time, and you are unlikely to cope alone. Love addiction, like any other addiction, is a disease that needs to be treated, and it is advisable to do this with the help of a specialist.
2. The next step to healing is to find the strength to accept and love yourself as a person. Start spending money and time on yourself. Develop your talents, satisfy your desires, remember that any investment in the development of your personality will pay off handsomely. Your self-esteem will rise, and as a result, the people around you, and, of course, your beloved man will value you more.
3. Stop controlling your man. Almost all dependent and insecure women “sin” with this, disguising manipulation as the desire to “be useful”. And they have a place to turn around - after all, they usually become attached to those men who are not all right anyway, who have enough problems that need to be solved. Being engaged in essence "not her own business", a woman hopes to become indispensable for her partner, thereby insuring herself from his departure. But when you deal with his problems, he is released from responsibility. And it is no longer he, but you who are responsible for his well-being and peace of mind, and if something bad happens, he will blame you first of all. Therefore, stop leading him and controlling his feelings, trying to hurt yourself into a cake to make his life comfortable. Focus on your life first. He'll figure it out himself.
Of course it's hard. You will periodically be haunted by thoughts from the series: “How can I stand aside? How will he manage without me? What if he succeeds, and he will no longer need my help? If he becomes too independent, what will happen to our relationship? You will have to get rid of these fears. The role of "helper" is a trap. If you really want to help, step back from his problems and deal with yours. Remember, true love cannot enslave, torment, control and choke people, on the contrary, it liberates, makes them more free and independent.
As a rule, people whose parents in childhood get into love addiction:
1. They took care of themselves exclusively, were not so much caring parents as objects of children's adoration and worship.
2. They brought up the child very harshly, used sophisticated physical and moral punishments.
3. They controlled every step of their son or daughter, making him completely dependent and subordinate.
4. They criticized too often, excluding the phrases “You will definitely succeed”, “You are great”, “I am proud of you” from their vocabulary.
5.Were often on long trips, entrusting the upbringing of the child to other people.
6. They were not interested in the needs of the child, did not talk heart to heart with him, preferring to “feed and send.”
7.Not hugged, not caressed, were emotionally cold.
K negative programs laid down by parents also predispose to love addiction. Try not to tell your children such words that have a strong negative message:
"Jealous means love"
"Love is suffering"
"Hit means love."
"If you fall in love, you will cry."
"Oh, you're going to get some spiny tail on you."
"Men need only one thing!"
"Look: he will play with you and leave!"