Is it possible to raise children without limiting their freedom? This simple truth - "Trust, but verify" - is known to all parents. Everyone agrees with her. In words. But in fact, it is very difficult for parents to provide growing children with the necessary degree of freedom. How not to go too far? How not to suppress the will of the child? How does one avoid turning a child into a spoiled and rude creature?
Is it possible to raise children without restricting their freedom?
This simple truth - "Trust, but verify" - is known to all parents. Everyone agrees with her. In words. But in fact, it is very difficult for parents to provide growing children with the necessary degree of freedom. How not to go too far? How not to suppress the will of the child? How does one avoid turning a child into a spoiled and rude creature?
Between these poles there is a territory where harmony, fun and mutual understanding reign between family members. The pass to this paradise can be in your hands. The price for it is self-discipline. Just don't be scared! Self-discipline is not a rigid corset that you have to tighten yourself into. This is creative work that will make life much easier and more fun.
We want to give you some tips that will definitely help you
Your expectations should be appropriate for the child's age and development. You cannot ask him to talk at four months or walk at five. Perhaps the source of your frustration and anger lies precisely in your high expectations.
Gosha, who has just learned to walk, first of all runs up to the TV and turns it on. "You can't," he hears. You take him away from the TV. Gosha, without a moment's hesitation, goes to the TV and presses the button again. "I said get away from the TV." You pull him aside only to see him head towards him again. You raise your voice: Gosha is imperturbable. You are horrified. You understand that you are not able to control a one-year-old child. What will happen next if already in a year he successfully ignores your prohibitions? You are tightening your policy: shout at Gosha, slap him on the hands. Crying, squealing, spoiled mood, confusion…
Thus begins a bitter story of a lifelong struggle for control and power. In this simple example, the screen on button is an accurate metaphor. As early as a year old, a child finds his first button, which activates a complex mechanism of parental feelings: anger, confusion, anxiety, impotence … Every day Gosha will look for new red buttons, experiment with them and watch with bated breath how you bounce, rush about, suffer.
The desire of the child to manipulate the world and control the elders is inherent in him by nature. Your violent reaction proves to the baby that he is doing everything right, and then he will improve his skills and become an increasingly resourceful tormentor.
If you don't want to lose your first round (and there will be thousands and thousands more!) of child control, don't fight him! In this battle, the child will always win!!!
Assess the child's need for repetitive and interesting activities. Mentally give him the highest score for observation and the ability to imitate the actions of adults. Outline the acceptable scope of his actions. Don't terrorize him with bans.
So, a he althy child should perform repetitive actions. Thus he gets satisfaction from the new skill. He brings the new skill to automatism, which is a necessary stage of growing up. He is learning about relationships between himself and the adult world.
The second necessary rule is to honestly and calmly look at yourself.
If you hit your five-year-old daughter, you cannot demand from her a polite and kind attitude towards her two-year-old brother. If you call your son a fool and a cretin, you should not be surprised that he speaks rudely and refuses to follow your orders. Control over his manners lies in your control over your own style of communication with others, for you are his main examples, his teachers, his mentors. He will certainly begin to copy you, imitate you in his desire to be “like dad” and “like mom.”
A child is not an extension of your body and existence.
In your mind you agree with me, but everything inside you rebels against it. Doesn't your heart break when he's sick or upset? Don't you feel physical pain when a doctor inserts a terrifyingly sized needle into his tiny vein? But still, the child - as soon as he safely got out of your womb - revealed to the world a new, separate person with his own temperament and a set of unique characteristics. No matter how bitter it sounds, but your job is to prepare him for an independent life, instill in him good qualities and help him learn to make independent decisions.
Your family rules should be reasonable and simple.
This means the child should not have access to things that are potentially dangerous or harmful to his life. Rules should be simple and easy to follow. For example, if you ask a four-year-old daughter to clean up the room, she will be confused: a mountain of toys, scattered clothes, a torn sofa … This is an overwhelming job for a girl. This means that she will refuse to carry out the order, get upset and sign her own defeat. It would be wise to break the problem into several components: "Verochka, it's time to put the dolls in a box." Only after this task is successfully completed, will you encourage your daughter with praise and give her the following task: “You did a great job. Well done Vera. Now put your clothes in this drawer.”
Rules should be as few as possible.
The more often a child hears a sharp “no”, the sooner he learns to ignore your prohibitions, the more likely he will rebel against barracks discipline. Review your rules and highlight those that must be strictly observed. So what exactly is wrong? You can not fight, spit, swear, ignore your instructions (unless, of course, they are given at the speed of a machine-gun burst). You can not sit at the table with dirty hands. You can not take other people's things without asking and break toys or utensils on purpose.
Everything that does not cause direct or indirect harm to the child and others is allowed! Remember yourself! No matter how much you were told not to walk in puddles, you could not resist the temptation to climb into them. Your child is no different from you. So, it’s better to remember your childhood, smirk and not push: “Kostya, don’t you dare jump into a puddle!”
The less prohibitions you have in your family, the greater the child's willingness to listen to them. And if you forbid everything, the child begins to rebel. Thus, a paradox is born: the more freedom you give the child, the easier it is to exercise control over the principles and skills that are important to you.
Bad deeds cannot and should not go unpunished under any circumstances.
We have already agreed that such actions include: a fight, foul language, rudeness, disobedience and intentional damage to things. Successful control lies in the fact that the child is aware of the rules of the game. Children know the family code in advance. For a fight, they are supposed to serve a certain time on the pen alty bench or spend this time in the corner. The same punishment awaits him for being rude.
The more trust you give your child, the sooner he will learn to make the right decisions independently.
The older the child, the more he needs freedom and trust. Learn to respect his desire that no one enter his room without knocking. If the child does not have his own room, it is necessary to allocate and fence off part of the living space for him. Each person should have his own space in which he is the sovereign master. He has a right to your respect. What do you require in return? To have his room cleaned. Try to show common sense: books on the floor by the bed are his own business. In the same way, he decides which pictures to hang on the wall. It is your right to insist that the conditions of sanitation be met: no apple cores and dirty socks.
Should I read the child's personal correspondence and his diaries? Answer this question yourself: you also have personal belongings. How would you feel in such a situation? Before you give in to the temptation to peek into a child's secret notebook, ask yourself: what would you like to know? What is your biggest fear? How could you learn everything you need from the child himself?
Know how to listen to the child without betraying your violent emotions. If at his every word you roll your eyes and moan: “How could you?! Horrible!" - rest assured, he will find a more competent and sensitive listener.
Many parents have full control over the schedule of younger students and their classes. This is not at all necessary. Your child will feel more mature if you trust him to look after his own affairs on his own. The rules are simple: he won't be able to watch TV, talk to a friend on the phone, or play games until he's done his homework (you'll be sure to answer his questions if he's having any trouble), packs a satchel for tomorrow, and cleans up after a plate. Strict observance of family rules by both parties will save you from the need to bore, punish, lose your temper and spoil relations with your family.
Control and freedom must be dictated by love and respect for the growing person.
Learn not to say to a one year old, “I said so! You will do as you are told!" Such an imperative will surely breed rebellion.
This rebellion may have the character of open defiance, and then you will be provided with an eternal battle in which both sides will receive deep and painful wounds. And there will be no winners in this war. Both sides will experience chronic irritation, frustration, a sense of complete powerlessness and anger. This rebellion can also have a hidden form: an angry child will gain power over you and begin to harass you gradually, unconsciously taking revenge for all the humiliation and pain caused to him.
Control is caring, not drilling.
So explain to the child: “You rode a bicycle onto the roadway. You have done a dangerous thing. Dad and I love you and care about you. We don't want you to get into trouble. You will have to hand over the bike. You will receive it only the day after tomorrow. This will help you be more careful next time.”
Parental control takes on a positive form only when parents respectfully but firmly insist on doing important things. In this way, you give the child control over his own choices and help him understand what happens when he makes the wrong decision. Your control lies in the fact that you celebrate obedience with praise every time.
Your reaction should be logical and predictable. When you punish a child, you are calm, firm, and respectful.
It helps you exercise proper control without turning into an angry monster. Your child will respect your decisions if you keep your promises. That is why punishments must be feasible and fair. Give up the habit of nervously screaming in the heat of the moment: “You will not see ice cream for the rest of your days! I will never take you to the park again! Year you will not see great! A month without a computer! It is important for the child to understand why and how he is punished. Then next time he will be able to relate his act to the possible consequences and make a decision.
When you punish, you don't say: "Told you… I warned you…" Alas, when we are angry, we often become malevolent and petty. Try to control yourself and do not aggravate an unpleasant situation. Of course, you are both smarter and farsighted than your child. And you have incomparably more life experience. And you want to help more than anything. Just show a drop of generosity: “I know how unpleasant it is to be deprived of a TV (toys, computer, ice cream). I am sure that next time you will definitely make the right decision and get a promotion.”