If complaints haunt

If complaints haunt
If complaints haunt

Everyone loves to talk about painful things from time to time. But there are people for whom complaints turn into the meaning of life and make up the majority of what is said for the whole day.

If complaints do not give rest …

Everyone loves to talk about painful things from time to time. But there are people for whom complaints turn into the meaning of life and make up the majority of what is said for the whole day

For example, you meet with friends to finally talk heart to heart. What will these conversations be about? A friend of yours talks about how her mother-in-law ruined a family Christmas with her unbearable behavior. Another complains about the children who got out of hand, the third - about her husband, who does not want to help her with the housework. And we ourselves do not notice how a friendly meeting turns into an endless exchange of complaints.

Few people pay attention to how conversations start. Meanwhile, most often the first thing we say is something negative. People use complaints as a way to get closer, psychologists say. We start a conversation with a negative observation because we intuitively feel that it will resonate much more emotionally than a positive one. Imagine: you need to get together with a stranger and you strike up a conversation about the weather. You can say: “Today is cool, but still a beautiful day” or “Well, when will the weather finally be normal in this city!”. Which of the phrases will the interlocutor take closer to the heart? Of course, the second! In this case, the complaint is quite an effective means in order to establish contact. However, the tendency to complain is not always helpful.

Substantial complaints

Psychologists distinguish between two types of complaints - constructive and emotional. In the first case, by expressing his dissatisfaction, a person pursues quite specific goals, hoping that the situation will improve. For example, you complain to your husband that you are tired of endless household chores, in the hope that he will take on some of the responsibilities, allowing you to relax a bit. Or tell your neighbors that you couldn't fall asleep until three in the morning yesterday, hoping that henceforth their home feasts will be less noisy.

Emotional complaints have a completely different focus. In this case, we pour out the sore, remove the burden from the soul, without setting ourselves any specific tasks. When you call a friend to tell you that both your children and your husband came down with the flu at the same time, you don't need any medical advice or any other practical help. All you need is the opportunity to speak out. However, even emotional complaints can in some cases give quite tangible practical results. Talking about what made you angry or unsettled, you relieve tension and thus, if you do not completely get rid of stress, then you significantly reduce the level of negative emotions. It’s great if a person knows how to let off steam and pull himself together in time. But more often, having started talking about painful things, we begin to feel sorry for ourselves and are no longer able to stop. And most often this, of course, is characteristic of women.

Men's and women's complaints

This is quite understandable, psychologists say. From childhood, boys are taught the idea that confessing their weaknesses is unworthy of a real man. Grit your teeth and not complain - this is the behavior that the representatives of the stronger sex strive for. And therefore, if they allow themselves to speak out about what they do not like, in most cases it will be just constructive complaints. A man is unlikely to lament because he does not like how his mother-in-law cooks. He will rather ask you to cook something else or simply will not go to visit her. Women, on the contrary, are considered more emotional, more talkative, weaker. Therefore, emotional complaints are not initially something unworthy for them. American scientists conducted an experiment by asking men and women to list everything that makes them uncomfortable. It turned out that women have much more complaints: men in their lists indicated only the most important, global things. While women listed countless little things - like that her husband constantly forgets to close the tube of toothpaste.

But the biggest difference between how men and women complain is what they aim for. If a wife comes home from work and complains for 15 minutes about how tired she is, a man is likely to say, “Well, get yourself another job.” By this, he will provoke a new flurry of emotions, because it may very well be that a woman is quite satisfied with her work. And complaints are a way to attract attention to yourself, to prove once again to yourself and others how much she works and what a valuable employee she is. Yes, she is really tired, but all she needs from her husband is a little tenderness and reassurance that she is the best. While a sensible proposal to change jobs will only cause irritation: “He doesn’t understand me at all!”

Is this good or bad?

It is customary in Western society to answer the question "How are you?" wide smile and assurances that everything is fine. A person who tells an outsider about his difficulties is at least bewildering. This means that problems only get worse over time, leading to prolonged depression and neuroses. In Russia, the approach is fundamentally different. In our society, it is not forbidden to talk about difficulties, moreover, it is considered not very convenient to talk about your successes - so as not to jinx it, not to cause envy, not to offend the interlocutor, for whom everything is not going so well at all. All this leads to the fact that there are much more complaints. And the person who constantly talks about how bad he is, but at the same time does not make the slightest attempt to change anything, causes even more irritation than the one who is always in order.

Golden mean

Psychologists believe that the main secret of successful communication with people - whether they are close friends or strangers - is to clearly understand what goals you are pursuing. If the problem that haunts you can be solved, you need to solve it. Do you not like that your girlfriend retells all your intimate conversations to her husband, who then looks at you very suspiciously? You don’t need to complain about this to your other friend and thereby start a series of mutual insults and gossip. It will be much more effective to talk to the person responsible for your concern, making a constructive but tactful complaint. Remember the books of complaints and suggestions. Here is a great example of a constructive approach: if you want to solve a problem, do not just complain, but suggest a possible way out of the situation. If you can’t do anything about what annoys you, try not to wind yourself up once again. Are your husband's habits driving you crazy? It is unlikely that you will be able to remake an adult man. But if intimate conversations with a friend help you relieve stress, then complain about her he alth. If she doesn't mind, of course. This is an example of a purely emotional complaint that can be helpful. Problems begin when complaints become a habit, and a person tells about his problems to everyone he meets, firmly sticking the label of a constant victim of circumstances to himself. Such a complainer can pour out his soul even to a stranger for hours, after which he will not lift a finger to correct the situation, and will not follow any of the advice received. It is unlikely that you will want to talk with such an interlocutor again. Therefore, if it seems to you that people are not very willing to contact you, think about it: are you complaining too often, spreading waves of negative emotions around you?



Do you find it difficult to connect with people? Are you often told that you need to look at things easier? Starting to talk about painful things, you often hear in response from loved ones, “We know, we know, have we already heard all this?”. If you answered yes to at least one of these questions, you need to carefully listen to what you say throughout the day. Do you complain too often?

Day 1

Don't try to take drastic steps: "Today I stop complaining once and for all"! This approach is unlikely to work. Get rid of the annoying habit of looking at everything in a bad light and reporting your findings to others should be gradual. On the first day, you just need to carefully observe what you say. To begin with, pay attention to every phrase you utter. “And why does the milk from the packages have such a disgusting taste?” “More like winter! Better frost than this snotty mud!” “Does Full House and comedians in general piss you off?!” Mark your every negative statement. If possible, you can even write them all down and count them in the evening. And it’s best if you behave naturally and say everything that you usually would, so you can get an idea of ​​how often you complain throughout the day.

Day 2

Start getting rid of the complaints. To do this, throughout the day you will need to monitor not only what you say, but also what you are just going to say. Try to replace a negative remark with one that will be useful to you. Instead of the phrase “I can’t do anything! I don't have a single free minute!" say, "Please don't disturb me now. I need to focus." Better yet, ask colleagues at work or loved ones at home to help you out a bit.

Day 3

Today you need to listen to others. After all, you are not the only one complaining. Those who are close to you complain no less, drawing you into a discussion of their problems and thereby provoking negative statements. “In this weather, I crawl all day like a sleepy fly!” your friend says. Don't counter-complaint it. Say you feel fine. And most importantly, believe in it. And you will notice that it is worth saying to yourself, "I'm fine," and it will really become easier. Complaining about a hard life, you tune in to the fact that everything around you is not as you would like. Thought is material, and words - even more so. Don't let thoughts and words ruin your mood.

Day 4

Try to determine what lies behind your desire to complain. Did you get up on the wrong foot today? Or maybe you don't feel well because you caught a cold? Try to get to the bottom of the reason that spoils your mood. Instead of expressing your endless complaints and claims to others, say to yourself: “My head hurts, and therefore everything annoys me”; "It's just PMS"; “Today I didn’t get enough sleep”… Realizing this, you will feel better. It's not that everything is bad, but that you've fallen apart. Agree, these are completely different things. And if you need, share it with someone close to you. Psychologists believe that talking about what really bothers you is much more useful than countless complaints about annoying little things.

Day 5

Every person has affairs and duties that do not give the slightest pleasure. These are the things that make us complain the most. Today try to do these not quite pleasant things without negative comments. Do you need to get up earlier than usual? Just get up without harassing your husband with complaints. The child returned from a walk soiled from head to toe? Wash his clothes without reproach. You understand very well that you still have to wash it, and you won’t help the cause by complaining. And to reward yourself for your patience, estimate how much time you would spend on sorting things out. 15 minutes? Wonderful. You have 15 minutes for an aromatic oil bath.

Day 6

This is the hardest day ever. If the day before you tried to remain silent when you wanted to complain, today you have to replace a negative statement with something positive. Instead of complaining about being wet and cold, say, “It will be nice to come home and have hot tea!” You will instantly feel better. Even if in some situation you fail to find anything good, try to learn from it, draw conclusions, understand what it teaches you, and how to be in order to avoid similar problems in the future.

Day 7

Time to take stock. It is impossible to change yourself in one week, but it is quite possible to notice that by concentrating on the good, you create a positive charge for yourself that helps even in the most difficult days. And if you find the strength to look at the problem with a smile, then the first step towards solving it has already been taken.

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