No one needs victims. If you and your wife categorically cannot live together, you should not torture yourself and your children, but disperse peacefully. But the sense of responsibility should not be forgotten either. Especially since you are now not two, but three or even four. How to be a good father without sacrificing your personal life? Andrey Prokofiev, an employee of Men's he alth magazine, shared his own experience with Domashniy Ochag.
Over the considerable period of my fatherhood, I was convinced that the lion's share of the excitement of leaving the family is associated with an incredible amount of lies. They say, "a huge responsibility, grandiose expenses, the children are still stupid, and dad alone will never cope with them." All this is nonsense. Children are the same people, only small, and they will understand everything perfectly if you can clearly explain.
Responsibility is also talked about mainly by those who have no idea about it. Yes, and the costs are quite possible to survive - they are not so suffocating. And a family in which life is like during a civil war is not needed by anyone, including a child.
So in relations with a child, the main test that you have to face is your own fears and doubts, as well as the theoretical possible insanity of the mother of the child. In the process of communicating with my children and their mothers, I personally developed a number of rules, which, as it turned out, are very much in the style of modern child psychology. First…
A family in which dad and mom are like a cat and a dog, an unreliable rear for a child, you can’t rely on him in development. The situation when parents live separately, but love him and do not eat each other, is much more stable for the growing psyche.
Peace to the world
Even if you broke up without breaking dishes and mutilating, keep in mind: to get stable access to the child, without failures and at a normal speed, you will have to build a relationship with his mother. By the way, after parting, she has no less stress than you. Keep in mind that your friend may be less mentally stable than you. For example, erase all phones, do not answer letters, and the answering machine will repeat in her voice: “Do not call, you bastard, never come here again!” Then you have only two options to establish a connection with the offspring. Firstly, the court, but in this way you will only increase the state of affect of the opposite side and sign your own impotence. The second and most competent option is to move towards the goal of raising children on the sly.
Courts are always bad. People usually get involved in a lawsuit about a child in a state of passion, being unable to resolve the matter amicably. But the court can intensify the enmity so much that relations cannot be restored in any form. Keep in mind that we have a very low legal culture, and the court's decision will not necessarily be enforced.
Capture by ste alth
Even if the mother of the offspring rejects you completely, calm down. In time, everything will fall into place. But of course, you can contribute to this by continuing to build relationships. While calling, talk to the baby, let him know that you love him and constantly think about him. Give gifts, buy chocolates and sweets, send postcards. Diplomacy is as important in our father's business as it is at UN Headquarters.
Don't rush to make rules, don't bombard yourself with demands, don't play the role of a great educator. Try to communicate gently and compliantly with the mother of the child. Do everything not to anger her: agree, obey. The latter is especially important, since children tend to take on all family problems. There were even cases when they began to steal, just to distract mom and dad from sorting things out.
Therefore, it is very important to remove the blame from the child. And be sure to explain to him what, in fact, is happening. The child must understand that people sometimes disagree, and there is no fault of his own - it's just the way life works. It is necessary to speak about what happened as frankly as possible - everything that adults are silent about, children consider something terrible and unbearable.
Often when a child asks, “Why is that?” - Parents prefer to remain silent. The kid eventually accepts the rules of the game and stops asking questions. He begins to think that they are not talking about it, because he cannot bear the truth. You can never hide the obvious, so as not to inflict severe trauma on the child, which will definitely show up in the future.
In Russia, and not only, an absurd primitive stereotype is widespread: a child belongs to a woman, and a man has to work from morning to night and bring home animal carcasses, fresh fruits and multi-colored paper rectangles. Moreover, this stereotype is cultivated by both sexes.
To create a real relationship with a child, even if they are difficult, you need to communicate with him. You must give your child everything you can. Show what is under the hood of the car, let them tighten the screws (I say from my experience, children can do this even a year), change the wheel together, drive to watch planes take off, look at mating insects, beat a pear, kill a five-armed person on the computer screen a man with an ax, buy different tsatskis and skirts in stores and dress dolls together.
Do whatever: little ones are interested in everything. In this case, even if you do not have the opportunity to see the cub often, each meeting will be a bright event for him in everyday life. Use this.
Calm as a boa constrictor
Nature has done us such a great job that kids love their parents just for who they are, not because they buy radio-controlled models of pavers loaded to the top with gummy bears. You should not speculate on this, but you can always keep in mind. This will allow you not to look for trouble, not to think that if you were not allowed to meet with the offspring once or twice, it will forget you, and not to prove anything to the child. This is such a psychological axiom that many will probably take hostility, but in vain.
Trying to make amends by sacrificing yourself to raise a child is pointless and will not lead to anything good. Some in their self-flagellation even go so far as to convince themselves: now the son will definitely become an alcoholic, and the daughter will become a prostitute. In their unfounded fear, such fathers incredibly burden both themselves and their child with non-existent problems, of course, without improving relations with him at all.
No need for fanaticism
You should not put your child in a greenhouse, including an emotional one. This will not lead to anything good for you or the child. When communicating with your child, be yourself, do not fake or adapt to him. When you bring a child to your place, do not forget to inform him that some of the actions that he is allowed by his mother - say, whining, begging for candy - are completely unacceptable according to your rules, and some - for example, jumping on the couch or running around the apartment - on the contrary, are allowed.
So, learn: the situation of a separated family, of course, is far from ideal, but it is absolutely not catastrophic either. So don't eat yourself up. The less you worry and feel sad, the calmer and more comfortable your child will be. Know that you can handle it. All in your hands! So go ahead dad.
5 basic rules for communicating with a child
1. The most important taboo: never speak badly of his mother. It will bring nothing but harm. As a result, it is not the one who is spoken badly about who loses, but the one who says it.
2. Don't be afraid to introduce your child to a new friend. He will be jealous, but for his development, paradoxically, jealousy is very important, because he learns to reckon with the opinions and desires of others.
3. Get real pleasure from meetings with your child. Strained dates, hysterical explanations, tensions and fears - all this the child catches very quickly, understands that something is wrong, and begins to suffer.
4. When you can't meet, don't forget to call and tell him that you love him and always think about him, just had to go on a long voyage to bring him the most beautiful shell in the world.
4 basic rules for communicating with the mother of a child
1. Your breakup has nothing to do with the fact that she is stupid, ugly or does not know how to cook pilaf, it just turned out that you are too different.
2. You're not leaving her and the baby, you're just not going to spend the night with her.
3. You are ready to help her in everything (or in many ways), with the exception of achieving an orgasm, since you cannot command the heart.
4. You must participate together (and not in turns) in raising a child. Call up, chat, share your impressions and plans for his future.