And the baby asked

And the baby asked
And the baby asked
Anonim

A child is naturally inquisitive. But what if the question of the child has confused you?

And the little one asked…

A child is naturally inquisitive. It is important for him to know why the green grass turns yellow by autumn and why they feed differently in kindergarten than at home. But what if the child's question is not so harmless and has puzzled you? Serious conversations with children should not be avoided: the issue that is not resolved now will definitely come up later, in adolescence. Difficult moral issues, like chickenpox, are better to be ill in childhood

Strange, complex and sometimes completely childish questions come to a small head for a reason. Someone's act attracted the attention of the baby and led to reflections that he came to share with you. Psychologists call this introspection. Believe me, it is not so important for children whether another person behaves well or badly. It's not about the neighbor Vovka, who steals money from his parents, not about Anechka, grimacing in front of the boys, and of course not about Dima, who cheated on the control. Reflecting on other people's actions, your child decides for himself, can he behave the same way? What should he do in such a situation? How to be? What to be?

Me and Family

Why are you and your dad yelling at each other?

No matter how much psychologists warn, children still become witnesses of conflicts between parents. The most common mistake is to force a child to take sides, to connect to a quarrel, to turn against a spouse. Do not forget that your other half for your child is an integral part of the family. He is afraid that after a quarrel he will simply lose half of the familiar world.

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

"We won't do it again." The rest of the options will only confuse your baby. Say so and do your best to keep the promise.

Up to 7-8 years

"Adults sometimes quarrel, just like children." The main idea that you want to convey is: "We are the same as you." Available examples (in the garden, two friends did not share the game, they fought, but then became friends again; the dog Sharik did not help Matroskin with the housework, and they stopped talking, but the arrival of Uncle Fyodor reconciled them …) will help the child feel that any person has the right to make mistakes and correct your mistakes, teaches you to apologize and forgive.

Over 9 years old

"We love each other and do not want evil" - the red thread of the explanation. People quarrel because they do not know how to choose the right words, do not seek a compromise, but not because they hate each other. Emphasize this and apologize to your child for your behavior.

When I grow up, will I take you to a nursing home?

In this question, 95% of your own attitude towards the older generation is spelled out. And if an aged mother only irritates you, the child will surely project these emotions onto the future attitude towards you.

Answer options:

With children under 5-6 years old Carefully avoid the question.

6-8 years old

"We will not part." He is afraid that he will have to give up on you with his own hands … It is too early to go into the subtle moral and ethical aspects. Just show that you won't make him make such a painful decision.

Over 9 years old

"We'll be there for as long as you need us." The answer is similar, but at this age you can already explain why some older people have to hire carers and send them to the hospital. Emphasize that this is done for the welfare of the elderly.

Do you and your dad want a divorce?

Where does the wind blow from? Did the kid overhear your quarrel with your husband? Did you say on the phone to a friend that “you can’t live like this anymore”? The family of friends broke up, and their child suffers? And yours is trying to find out with his question: “Will you do the same strange thing, stupid parents? Am I going to have to suffer because of you?”

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

"No way." Be convincing: nothing will change, you will not hurt him, he will not be left alone with your adult trouble.

Up to 7-9 years old

"We may quarrel with each other, but we will not leave you." Adults allow themselves to do stupid things, even very stable couples are not immune from them, but this will not shake the strength of the family. Be sure to specify why the child had such an idea.

Over 9-10 years old

"You think we don't love each other and you?" An invitation to dialogue: what does your child think about family relationships, what would he like to fix, how would he advise to behave? Ask him to draw your family and discuss the drawing: why does mom have such a big mouth, as if she only knows how to scream, and the child has no ears, as if he does not want to listen to what is happening around? Pictures can tell more than words…

Me and Money

What will happen to us if you lose your job?

Already by the age of 3-4 they are interested in material things. Indeed, if no one earns money, then how will toys and sweets be bought, who will bring a DVD with a new cartoon and take them to the rides?

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

“Everything will be the same” (the key words for which the question was asked!) Explain that you will buy toys and sweets for him, and if you feel that the baby is more worried about you, make sure that in your Life won't change either. Focus on stability and the fact that you will remain a friendly family, and this is the main thing.

Up to 7-8 years

"Don't worry, we will quickly find a new job, even better than the old one!" You can emphasize the comparative degree: the old work is not so good to be upset about it. Draw parallels that the child can understand: yesterday he broke his car, and today you bought a new one, much better than the old one.

Over 9 years old

"But you won't leave us in trouble, right?" At this age, they already tend to seem older, more independent. Discuss what you could save on (instead of Star galaxy, go for a walk in the forest, make a toy for a younger child with your own hands). Perhaps the child himself will suggest a way out: a teenager of 13-14 years old can already deliver newspapers or distribute advertisements, sit with someone's baby or help elementary school students with difficult subjects for a small amount.

Why is stealing bad?

To take someone else's even for a while is not good, and stealing is generally the last thing. Your kid has learned this, and now he is wondering why someone allows himself to break this taboo?

Answer options:

Until the age of 5-6 yearsit is better not to discuss such topics, carefully avoid answering. If the kid gives a specific example (Misha's neighbor steals money from his parents and boasts to his friends) - try to distract the child, assume that Misha's parents give him money themselves, and if necessary, talk to them or to the boy himself.

Over 7 years old

"If you lose all your toys, will you be upset?" An understandable example and an invitation to reflection: how will your child react to an encroachment on property? Tell them that theft is a crime, that thieves are caught by police and put in jail, speak in simple words. If the example of theft comes up in a cartoon (Disney's The Adventures of Aladdin), explain that need can force someone else to take, but it is better to try to earn it, receive it as a gift, but not steal.

Me and the Code of Honor

You swear with bad words, but I can't?

Really, it's a shame: they beat him on the lips for obscene words, and his mother, having flared up, takes away her soul with them.

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

"I was wrong." Just plead guilty and watch your speech. If someone is swearing nearby, explain that "uncle is upset" but he does not know enough words to express his feelings.

Up to 7-8 years

"I was wrong, help me find other words." The scheme is the same, but this is the beginning of the game: to come up with substitute words for swearing. You can invent funny and harmless phrases, you can remember "Gentlemen of Fortune" and make a dictionary ("radish \u003d a bad person") for those who like to quarrel.

Over 9 years old

"Adults sometimes express their feelings differently." Explain that the adult world is a little more complicated, and even you find it difficult to control yourself and hide your anger. Ask for help: let the child follow your speech and assign a fine for each “pancake”. For example, candy.

Can you lie sometimes?

The fox in the cartoon is cunning, a friend from the kindergarten is cunning. Mom, where to look for the truth?

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

"No." At this age, the world is still divided into black and white. About gray, explain later.

Up to 7-8 years

"This is not good. Look …”- and necessarily 2, 3, 5 examples on a given topic: how someone lied, how it turned out for him and for the deceived party. The child will make his own conclusions.

Over 9 years old

"There are different kinds of lies." Think like an adult: there is a saving lie, a dreamer's lie, a lie so as not to cause harm, a partial lie. In the adult world, he will face her in all manifestations, and the enemy must be known by sight.

My desk mate cheats. Tell the teacher?

Today he cheats, tomorrow he will steal someone else's project, pass it off as his own and get an undeserved promotion. And all because your child chose to remain silent?

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

The theme of betrayal of "one's own", if it suddenly rises, it is better to explain with examples: what happens if someone deceives someone, how a deceiver feels. Choose examples not from life, but from books and cartoons and put your baby in them.

Up to 7-8 years

“Criting is not good, but…” Find out why the boy decided to do this, what prevents him from learning on his own, what will happen if he does not learn how to solve problems himself, but will rely on someone else's mind. The child will understand that the cheater has already punished himself.

Over 9 years old

"Better talk to that boy." Encourage independence - without the intervention of a teacher, you can resolve the conflict, help a lagging friend, pull him up in the subject.

Me and Society

Why can't you try drugs?

The question applies to cigarettes, alcohol, porn sites and other "adult" products. At the same time, people around smoke and do not hesitate to talk about drug addiction.

Answer options:

Up to 5 years It is better to bypass the topic. As a last resort, limit yourself to saying that this is a disease, but do not talk about the dire consequences.

Over 7-8 years old

"It hurts your he alth and destroys you from the inside." Without going into the bloodthirsty details of curing a disease, coding for alcoholism, etc., explain why drugs are harmful. Tell them that people decide to poison themselves because hopelessness, despair, and a dysfunctional life can push them. Add that with all problems it is better to come frankly to a wise adult, and not to treat your grief with drugs and alcohol.

Won't the terrorists touch us?

He already knows about Nord-Ost and Beslan, and he's scared. Where do scary people with machine guns come from?

Answer options:

Up to 5 years

"Terrible things happen in the world, but you should not be afraid: we will protect you." Faith in the strength of the family in these years is still unshakable. Yes, and you yourself keep a close eye on the baby.

Up to 7-8 years

"Why are you so interested?" If the question is idle, it is better not to touch it. If the child is scared, offer to play "liberator", imagine how he saves people from uncles in masks who demand a bag of money for someone's life.

Over 9 years old

"You know what to do when you're in a dangerous situation, don't you?" Read between the lines: the world is harsh, we are not completely protected, but if something happens, you must … Further information can be found in the booklets of the Russian Emergencies Ministry or on specialized sites.

Why do people die?

Attention, the most difficult question. Translated from a child: “We have to part with you, mommy? And with dad? And with grandma?”

Answer options:

Your explanation depends not only on the age of the child, but also on whether he has seen death or is interested "just like that." In the second case, you can start from afar, tell that we are born tiny and live a great life, grow old, and the time comes to leave the earth, leaving a memory of ourselves. Emphasize that life does not need to be lived in vain, how important it is to be good, kind, strong and courageous so that you are remembered with love, even if you suddenly die. If the child is faced with the death of a loved one, share his experiences (but in no case ask: "What do you feel? What did you see? How was it?"), explain that you are also bitter. You can tell what will happen next: “We will gather with the whole family and remember our grandmother, we will say good words about her. Do you want to stay with us or will you go to Aunt Dasha for this time?” If possible, offer an alternative: even at 13-14, the child may not be ready to go to the cemetery, especially if this is the first death in the family, and the commemoration is not a sight for children's impressionable eyes. And in no case do not condemn if the child does not want to say goodbye to his beloved relative. He is already experiencing loss.

How to talk to your child about serious topics

Tatyana Filippova, psychologist at the Medep Center

Dear parents! If your child came to you with a difficult question, you can be congratulated: he values ​​​​your opinion and probably trusts, and this is already 50% of a successful conversation on a tricky topic. But before you answer, take a deep breath and exhale, and remember a few rules:

- don't answer running by putting on your coat or washing the pot. If there is no time now to sit down and talk, postpone the conversation. “Sunny, I am pleased that you turned to me with such a serious question! Give me a minute (15 minutes, half an hour, be patient until the evening …), I will finish the business and talk to you with pleasure! This answer will be enough: the child will understand that you respect him, and you will have a chance to tune in to a serious topic.

- do not attack! A common mistake of parents is to show aggression, pressure. “Where did you see it? Who told you about this? You just got scared for the baby and so showed your anxiety and confusion, but he already had time to think that it was impossible to ask about such things, that it was shameful and “bad”. Trust has been shaken, he may no longer come to you frankly.

- talk face to face! No one cares about the opinion of dad, grandmother, sister at the moment. The child came to you with a problem, which means he believes your opinion. It is not worth calling the whole family for advice - the answers of different people will only confuse him. And keep confidentiality to the end - retelling a conversation to a friend on the phone is unacceptable, because a child may accidentally hear it.

- let him retell. Let him retell the situation that led to this question without judgment, without understanding who is good and who is bad. The kid will not think that he is talking obscene, for which they can scold.

- make him think. "What do you think? What do you think?" Questions with an emphasis on the words “think”, “think" will make it clear to the child that you want to take into account his opinion on this issue. If he is lost with the answer, give a few similar situations and ask him to think about how he himself would act in the place of the heroes.

- try to justify! Adults know that the division into "good" and "evil" is conditional. You can always find words that will prove: if Misha's mother had not been ill, he would not have had to go to kindergarten for his sister, he would probably have learned a lesson and would not have cheated on the test (if someone had conditions, he wouldn't do that). Be sure to emphasize that in a difficult situation, your child may turn to you for help and solve all their “if” problems.

- save face. If we are talking about the death of a loved one, about a conflict in the family, about what also hurts you deeply - try to find strength and remain calm. Hysteria, tears, lamentations will only overexcite the child. And if the topic is painful, try to find bodily contact with him, hug, hold his hand, stroke his head. Let me feel your warmth and strength.

- speak his language! Simple, short phrases, age-appropriate language, accessible terms ensure that you are heard and understood.

- give the answer that you would like to hear yourself!

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