I have two children growing up: Vova is five years old, and Nastenka is three. Not an hour goes by without the kids fighting over toys. We explain that no one wants to play with greedy children, but Vova seems to prefer being left without friends than parting with a toy. Do you think these are the costs of his character or age-related difficulties?
I have two children growing up: Vova is five years old, and Nastenka is three. Not an hour goes by without the kids fighting over toys. Well, Nastenka is still small, it is difficult for her to explain something, and Vova is already a smart boy, but he is in no way inferior to his sister. We teach Vova to share, we convince him that he must yield to Nastenka, because he is a boy, a knight, and also an older brother. He nods his head in agreement, but as soon as Nastya takes Vovina's felt-tip pens, good intentions evaporate and both children fight desperately over any shred, any cheap trinket. I noticed that in the park Vova tries to play with older girls, they are inferior to him and do not fight with him because of toys, but it is difficult for him with peers. We explain that no one wants to play with greedy children, but Vova seems to prefer being left without friends than parting with a toy. Do you think these are the costs of his character or age-related difficulties?
Raisa wrote a letter, each line of which breathes energy, desire to solve the problem, good intentions. So the problem will be solved as soon as possible. Let's start with Vova. He is the older brother. Does this mean that he should share his toys with Nastya?
Suppose Raisa has a younger sister. Here she will come and say: “Dear Raya! Give me your fur coat and your apartment for a while. I will return in a week or two.”
For Vova, toys are his property, just like for mom and dad their apartment, car, refrigerator. Adults must learn to respect the property of children. If Vova was the first to take any toy, and Nastya certainly demands it, the task of the parents is to explain to Nastya that Vova only took the toy and has not played enough with it yet, that Nastya will have to wait until Vova finishes playing, and then politely ask his permission to play with this toy. If Nastya persists and cries, parents should find a way to keep her busy with another game. If all else fails, leave the girl alone with her grief: tears of bitterness and impotent anger are sometimes useful. Life taught Nastya a lesson: not everything you want, you can get right away.
Vova will certainly allow Nastya to play with this toy. If not this very minute, then in five or ten minutes. You brought him great happiness: you proved his right to property, allowed him to enjoy the toy as much as he wanted, expressed confidence that later he would certainly lend the toy to Nastya. A well-fed child is much more generous than a hungry one! Having played enough, Vova will hand the toy to Nastya. And then the parents will arrive in time: “How well Vova did! He shared with you. Thank you, Vova! And you're done, Nastya! Waited for Vova to play!”
If Nastya took the toy first, then Vova will have to wait. And not because he's older. And not because he is a boy. But because Nastya started playing before him.
Being older doesn't mean giving away what is most precious to your younger brothers or sisters. Such an approach cripples the nature of children: the elders stop believing in justice. It turns out that their seniority is the seal of self-denial, a life full of hardships. And the younger ones revel in impunity and gradually increase their demands. Most often, children become rivals and fight for any trifle.
It is important to teach children to resolve issues peacefully. If they cannot share the toy, they should call an arbitrator - one of the elders, let him help them figure out who will play first with the new car. If they set off in hand-to-hand combat, the smartest thing is not to figure out who started the fight, but to take the typewriter from both and send it into exile for 24 hours. During this time, the children will come to an agreement on who will be the first to play with her tomorrow. If they don't come to a decision, the machine will stay in exile for another day.
Nastya is already three years old, and it is high time to teach her to share. When Nastya satisfies her first hunger, ask her to give her mother a piece of an apple. Praise her when she does. As soon as she played enough with the ball and threw it, offer her to give the toy to Vova.
Children have a harder time following requests to share than requests to take turns playing. Take advantage of this knowledge and offer to play in turns whenever possible. It is important to repeat to children: “Sharing is difficult. You don't always want to share. But sharing is important and necessary. When you grow up a little more, you will certainly learn to share. Remember to praise your children whenever they get over their instincts and take a moment to part with their favorite toy, handing it to you or a sibling.
Try to raise children in an atmosphere of mutual assistance and solidarity. Your personal example is very important. Instead of silently handing over the car keys to your husband, say, “Mom and dad share the same car. Mom and dad share. My dad gave me a car this morning. My dad shared with me. Now I'm returning the keys to dad. Thank you dad". If you are watching a concert and your husband asks you to change the channel, say, “We have one TV. We must share. Mom will listen to this song and switch it. Okay, dad?" When children see how you can share, give in to each other, they gradually learn to resolve their property claims without tantrums and fights.
While waiting for little guests, talk to your children. “Vova and Nastya, Verochka and Maxim will come to you. How will you play? What toys do you want to offer Verochka and Maxim? What toys do you not want to give up? Do you want us to hide them in the closet until the guests leave?”
During the visit of young guests, keep the children in sight so that they can come to the aid of angry kids in time. The one who first took it plays with the toy. If the little owner pulls the doll out of the hands of the guest, he should be taken to another room and reassured, assured that the guest will certainly return the doll as soon as she has played enough with it. Remember that the guest has no advantage over the host in this respect. If the owner took the toy, then he will play with it. It is not fair to urge him to show hospitality and generosity.
Guest and host fight over a toy? The toy goes into exile in the same way as in the case when your children fought over the toy. Under no circumstances tease the child with greed, do not criticize him in front of strangers. Better say: “Nastya is not yet ready to share. She will definitely learn how to do it.” Protect the dignity of a girl who is torn apart by internal conflict: she is not ready to give up a toy, but she is under strong pressure from others and understands what is expected of her.
Before going to the park, think with your child what toys he wants to take, what he wants to play with other children. It's a good idea to bring a large set of crayons, sand molds, cubes, a set of tin soldiers, kitchen or dining sets - in short, toys that children can play with, dividing roles and dividing responsibilities. It is easier for children to invite their peers to play with these toys than to jealously follow: “How many laps does Petka do on my bike?” or “How much longer will Mila carry my doll in my stroller?”
It's easy to teach children to share. The main thing is to respect the child's right to his property and praise every time he concedes his favorite car to his sister or friend. Thirtieth in his garage, but no less valuable for that.