Daughter won't let go

Mom 2023
Daughter won't let go
Daughter won't let go

What to do if your daughter does not let you go a single step, and she will soon go to school? The situation is commented by a child psychotherapist, family consultant Madelena Sanchuk.

Daughter won't let go

What to do if your daughter does not let you go a single step, and she will soon go to school? The situation is commented by a child psychotherapist, family consultant Madelena Sanchuk

"My daughter is 6 years old. The problem is, she won't let me go even for a minute! If I need to go somewhere - tears, tantrums. He does not want to stay even with his grandmother, not to mention the kindergarten! What to do, because she will soon go to school, and I can’t even imagine how it will be. We turned to a psychotherapist, they said that the child had no mental abnormalities. But I can’t be with her all day, and I can’t go to school with her either. How to be? Irina, Moscow

Your approach to the problem is respectful. You, without delay, consulted with a specialist and heard the most important thing - your daughter has no mental abnormalities. The news itself should bring joy. However, along with her comes a new difficulty: if the girl is he althy, then her whims cannot be indulged. This means that something needs to be done, especially since she is already in school in September.

To begin with, increased anxiety associated with the impending separation from parents is normal for children from 12 months of age. It manifests itself when the parents are about to leave the apartment and in the evenings, when the parents put the baby to bed. As a rule, it is more difficult for those children who grow up with one parent or whose parents are themselves prone to increased anxiety. In the first case, parents (mostly mothers) feel guilty towards the child and do their best to compensate for the absence of the second parent, trying to give the baby maximum comfort and indulging his slightest whims and desires. In the second case, parents begin to worry that the child will become nervous, hoarse from crying, will grow too sensitive and fragile, that separation from parents will injure his fragile body. And that's all the kid needs! In their desire to control their parents (it must be said, the desire is innate, he althy and beautiful - it means that the child grows up energetic, smart and inventive!) Children try to do everything in a way that is convenient for them. Their main desire is not to let their parents out of the apartment, and at night - out of sight. They use proven means: bitter crying, hysterical screaming, hysterical howls, hot hugs, later - heartfelt words, backed up by a serious argument - "Don't leave, I'm scared!".

At what age does this anxiety subside in he althy children? During the day - with the right approach - by about two years. Separate episodes will take place later, but they will most likely be due to circumstances: a new kindergarten, a new nanny, the birth of a brother or sister, a child’s illness … But in principle, the baby will quite easily let go of his parents, adapt to new people and circumstances within a month.

The right attitude is calm, compassionate and consistent behavior. Already to the baby you say: “Mom is leaving for work. Nanny will stay with you until the evening. Mom will come in the evening. I love you". To your question, how much does the baby understand from this tirade, I will honestly answer, I don’t know. I only know facts that have been verified by years of observation: children who are prepared for changes or events are easier to endure separation from their parents, better adapt to rapidly changing circumstances of life, find a common language with caregivers and other children easier.

Parents gradually develop a farewell ritual. Having decided to leave, the mother informs the child in advance that in half an hour it is time for her to go to work, but for now they have time for one song or one small book. If the child responded to the message with violent crying, the mother expresses sympathy: “I need to go to work. I'm sorry you're so upset. Try to pull yourself together, otherwise we will miss the time that we can read or play. After that, let your daughter deal with her feelings on her own. If it doesn't work today, it will work tomorrow. The more independent children are, the easier they are to the temporary absence of their parents. Teach your kids to be independent as early as possible. It helps when the mother gives the child a parting "part of herself" - an object that the child dreams of mastering: it can be a handkerchief with traces of the smell of your favorite perfume. Maybe a plastic eau de toilette case is safe and reminds you of you. Some moms leave a "lipstick kiss" or sticker on their baby's skin. "Mom will come and you will show her this" - this is the contract between mom and baby.

“Which window are we going to wave to mom from? Let's go so as not to miss mom! - with these words, a grandmother or a nanny distracts the baby from whining or tears.

Gradually, your daughter will get used to the fact that your departure is a matter of life, that you will not linger in the hallway, turning an ordinary farewell into pathetic theatrical performances. You will briefly hug her, wish her a good day, tell her what time to expect you, promise a surprise (it can be an autumn leaf, a blade of grass, a note, a picture, a postcard, a sticker, a fairy tale) and once again assure her that you are very love. After that, with a firm step, with a calm smile, go to the door and leave without delay.


  • Leaving kids with a nanny, grandmother, teacher is the norm;
  • Parents should have fun without kids at least once a week;
  • Parents have their own adult life.

If you keep this in mind, your guilt towards the child will gradually pass, and you will feel comfortable leaving the baby with trusted adults


  • Don't change your mind about leaving and don't show insecurity;
  • Do not show how you suffer from the tantrum of your beloved child;
  • Do not discuss in the presence of your daughter how painful it is for you to leave her with her grandmother for the whole day and how painfully the girl reacts to this;
  • Don't try to sneak away without the child noticing - this is a traitorous behavior that really scares children - it gives the children a signal that the parents are trying to get rid of the baby, leave him to his fate;
  • Don't try to elevate your absence by scaring the kids that you need to see a doctor or you'll get sick.


Teaching self-reliance

1 Do not rush the child when he tries to take off his socks and put on slippers on his own.

2 Let your child eat on their own - first with their hands, then with a spoon. Don't blame the spilled soup, the overturned cup.

3 Teach your child to clean up their toys from the age of one. "We played with the ball - let's put the ball in the basket."

4 At two years old, a child can already bring napkins, help you arrange plates before dinner.

5 Don't criticize a child who tries to "sweep or do the dishes" - let him imitate you and praise him for being independent.

6 At three, the child is happy to “help cook” - give him a piece of dough - let him knead, help decorate the shortcakes with raisins before you put them in the oven. At the same time, he should be able to independently wash his hands and brush his teeth under your supervision.

7 Don't give him overwhelming or lengthy tasks.

8 Do not criticize a small child if the result of his work is below your expectations - support his zeal and desire for independence.

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