Together or separately

Together or separately
Together or separately

Sleep next to your loved one, feeling the warmth of his body? Or “scatter” on different sides of the bed so as not to interfere with each other? Does Separated Sleep Hurt Relationships?

Together or separately

It's nice to fall asleep next to your loved one and feel his warmth. But it is much more comfortable to sleep separately when no one is snoring, no one is pushing and no one is pulling off the blanket. sleep together or separately? And does sleeping apart hurt relationships?

The most common reason couples choose to sleep separately is because of snoring. It not only irritates the second spouse, but increases the risk of developing hypertension and atherosclerosis. Another unpleasant consequence of snoring is a decrease in sexual desire. According to British scientists, snoring negatively affects libido in every fourth pair of respondents, and more than half admitted that, remembering how a husband or wife snores, they do not want to have sex. The researchers calculated that one partner's restless behavior robs the other of an average of 49 minutes of sleep each night. As a result, a person deprived of proper rest becomes nervous, works poorly, quarrels more often, reduces sexual activity, which leads to devastating consequences for marriage. In addition, American scientists have found that a spouse sleeping next to a man negatively affects his brain. Whether partners have had sex or not, after a night in the same bed with a woman, a man's brain performs worse on tests of attention, memory, and computation. Interestingly, women's rates are not declining.

Two in bed

The most famous study on the topic of joint and separate sleep of spouses is the book of sociology professor Paul Rosenblatt “Two in bed. The social system of couples who sleep in the same bed. The professor came to the conclusion that the sleep of the spouses is not as simple as it seemed before, and there are factors that push people to share or separate sleep. Yes, a spouse's snoring or restless behavior can be unnerving for a partner, but the National Sleep Foundation estimates that 61% of Americans sleep together. Similar Internet surveys among Russians show that about half of our compatriots are supporters of joint sleep, about 40% want to sleep separately, and 10% have not yet decided. In Russia, the problem is exacerbated by the notorious "housing issue" that prevents many of our compatriots from having two separate bedrooms.

Most researchers in the field of body-oriented psychology argue that after intimacy, both a woman and a man need a partner's touch. The contact of the bodies relieves the tension accumulated during the day, gives a feeling of comfort and closeness. And many psychoanalysts believe that the refusal of one of the spouses to sleep together is a reflection of a subconscious decrease in erotic craving for a partner. On the other hand, a joint bed is a place not only for sex, but also for friendly conversations. For example, Paul Rosenblatt asked people why they choose to sleep together despite the obvious inconvenience. And as the main reason, closeness and psychological comfort were most often cited. The scientist writes: “Most of the respondents stated that the bed is the place where they talk. Here you can be alone, forget about the distractions and differences of interest that separated them during the day. Plus, there's something about the late night itself that allows them to open up and connect.”


It would seem that the joint stay of spouses in a bed is preferable to a separate one, but many spouses still prefer to sleep on different beds. The reasons are varied: for example, the partner snores, tosses and turns from insomnia, kicks in his sleep, suffers from nightmares, often gets up to the toilet, raids the refrigerator, the spouses do not have the same work schedule or they cannot agree on the optimal room temperature. Some experts believe that separate beds will strengthen any family and make the marriage long and happy. In their opinion, an adult needs a full-fledged uninterrupted sleep for 7-8 hours, which spouses often lose because of sleeping in a joint bed. On the other hand, sexologists recommend separate sleep as a means of maintaining the love and sexual attraction of spouses after several years of marriage. They recommend sleeping separately five days a week to build up sex drive and discharge it over the weekend. However, psychologists recognize that there are dangers. Separated sleep can lead to the separation of partners from each other and, instead of strengthening, destroy the marriage.

Gender, age and national characteristics of people influence views on sleep. For example, men and women have different attitudes to the problem of separate sleep. Most often, the course of reasoning will be something like this: “If this man has no desire to sleep with me, then there is no desire to live with me either.” And in men, a different view prevails: “Good sleep is very important. It gives me the opportunity to work intensively and fruitfully during the day. I will sleep less - I will earn less. If we turn to the genetic programs inherent in people by nature, it turns out that at the biological level, a woman needs a permanent breadwinner, a father of a child who will always be at hand, and a man after sex with a woman wants another sex with another woman, therefore, it turns out an insoluble problem. problem… But life is always richer than the rules - there are women who love sleeping alone, and men who can't imagine a night without their beloved woman.

As for age (or length of married life), either couples with very little experience (1-2 years) or older people prefer to sleep together. Young spouses, who still have a very great mutual attraction, and sleep is strong in their youth, like to sleep together more. Then, with a marital experience of 5-7 years, the desire to separate from a spouse grows, and couples with an experience of 15-25 years can no longer live without each other. It is also safer for older people to sleep together, especially if they have chronic illnesses.

Which is better?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer. It depends on living conditions, temperament, character, readiness to adapt to each other. After all, all people are different: someone has a sound sleep, and someone has a sensitive one. Therefore, it is very important to analyze your feelings that accompany the ritual of sleep, and openly share them with your partner. If you sleep together, the frequency of sex may increase, but the sensations will fade slightly. If you sleep separately, sex will be less frequent, but brighter. Which option is right for you is up to each couple to decide. The main thing - do not be afraid to experiment and try different options. One of them will surely be the best for you. The only thing that can be said for sure is that in bed you should not sort things out and swear so that negative reflexes are not fixed. The bed is for sleep, relaxation and sex, and in what proportions you will use it is up to you.

What position do you sleep in?

Psychologists see relationship in the sleeping position for two.


You sleep on your side and one partner hugs the other. This sleeping position speaks of a close and passionate relationship. Usually a man hugs a woman. On the other hand, the woman acts as a leader.


Everyone chooses a comfortable position, but at the same time you touch touching hands or feet. This is how you emphasize emotional closeness, but give each other a certain freedom.


This situation most often speaks of difficulties. For example, after a quarrel, one of the spouses turns his back and moves away, while the other hugs him, trying to calm him down and bring him back.

King position

One of the partners (usually a man) sleeps on his back - this indicates a strong ego. A woman's head lies on her husband's shoulder, which means that she tends to adapt to her husband in her sleep and while awake.

Hug legs

In a dream, do you cross your legs or one of the spouses throws a leg at the other? Perhaps the passions have already subsided, but peace and trust reign in your family.


Do you sleep face to face with each other in your arms? This position is the least common, because it is not very comfortable to maintain it. If you sleep like this, then the relationship is as close as possible.

Together and apart

Do you sleep without touching? Sometimes spouses have a need for solitude, there is nothing alarming about this. Everyone feels comfortable in this position.

A bit of history

In most nations, the house was divided into male and female halves. Among the Egyptians, the husband invited his wife to him, among the Greeks and ancient Romans, on the contrary, the man came to his wife. In Russia, nobles and boyars divided the house into male and female halves. In we althy families in Europe, separate bedrooms for husband and wife are still common. If this occurs often among the French, then among the Spaniards and Germans it is much less common. It can be said that in many countries - Germany, Italy, Spain and Latin American countries - a common marital bed was mandatory. And in Sweden and Finland, spouses often sleep in the same room, but in different beds. In Japan and China, sex and sleep are divorced according to the time of day: in families with a traditional way of life, spouses meet for love pleasures during the day, and at night everyone sleeps on their couch


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