Women's complexes come from childhood

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Women's complexes come from childhood
Women's complexes come from childhood

We make money, manage people, succeed in science… But our children's complexes can spoil everything at any moment. What to do with them?

Women's complexes come from childhood

We earn money and raise naughty children, lead people, succeed in science, teach students… But complexes that sound like a mother's voice can ruin everything at any moment. What to do with them?

I'm ugly

How the complex is born “I was always told: “Here is your beautiful sister, she will easily get everything in life, and you are … smart girl!” I hated my face for a long time. Then, when I entered the institute, I coped with it, although, did I cope … "- admits 35-year-old Lena. And Irina, mother of two children, says: "Dad's policy was simple - what are you inept, awkward, and no one needs it.” When I became an adult, I asked my dad: “Why?” The answer just killed me: “So that you want to prove the opposite to me and don’t turn up your nose." and did not think about his appearance or mind, and then his eyes are suddenly opened. Or, which is also very unpleasant, they are compared with someone else. What happens in the end? The child focuses on what was not the fruit of his own efforts. " And the trouble is that such assessments usually sound for the first time at an age when the baby unconditionally trusts an adult. He takes everything that mom, dad, kindergarten teacher or aunt says for granted, remembers for a very long time. And the more the child is open world, the more trusting he is, the more harm such words cause him.Further, living with this feeling of his own "badness" and "unlovedness", a person cannot fully develop. "And children," says Zhanna Shopina, "for all their plasticity, they want everything dress as an adult. Inwardly, unconsciously, from birth, they all want to be good. In addition, the child, while he has not yet reached adolescence, most of all needs the expression of love in his address. And, if a mother from time to time discusses his appearance with a child, she thereby indicates the direction where and how this love can be earned. So when a girl asks her mom, “Am I beautiful?” - in fact, she is waiting for an answer to the question: “Do you love me?”

Bad words

• You are not beautiful, but pretty.

• You, with your thick ankles (short neck, long nose, crooked legs, thin collarbones), cannot wear such clothes!

• What are you singing - just howl like a wolf!

• We should sing differently.

• Yes, the girl is not in us… spoiled the breed.

How is it right?

First of all, if you give grades, then with benefit. For example, say: "How beautiful you are today, your hair is so well done." Or: "Great you picked up a hairpin to the dress." Or: “When you skate, you are so graceful!” The main idea is that the child himself earned this mark, it depended on his efforts. Secondly, if parents really want to discuss their appearance with their child, it is best to attribute this appearance to generic concepts. Is the girl plump? Tell her that your mother, and her mother, and aunt were overweight, and this is a family sign. If the nose is humpy, explain that it is this nose that is inherited in your family and everyone is proud of it. In this case, the inferiority complex will have nowhere to come from, and there will be no such anguish: "I'm not like everyone else." And besides this, the child will feel more strongly his connection with the clan, with the family, he will have such an important and necessary feeling of a reliable “rear”. And, thirdly, teach the girl to treat beauty easily. When you watch movies or pictures, communicate with people, note the beauty in people, landscapes, animals. Give the opportunity to admire it, as artists do. Let the child understand and feel that beauty brings pleasure.

I am a defective woman

How the "You're a girl!" complex is born Among all the phrases that mothers tormented us with in childhood (someone aptly called them “mamisms”), this one is a real hit. Whatever they added to it: “therefore, I must be neat and make the bed,” “therefore, I must always wash my hands,” “therefore, I must behave decently, and not rush about like crazy,” etc. “How I was infuriated by this phrase, - Julia recalls, - by the way, she did not contribute to the love of order. Growing up, a woman herself can no longer understand why it always seems to her that she is not quite a real woman. Sentiments about “real girls” are most often heard by children at the age of 5-10, when by and large they still feel sexless. Later, when they become younger teenagers, they become aware of themselves as boys or girls - and then it will be very important to help them in what psychologists call "identification with the sex." In the meantime, the child (regardless of whether he is a boy or a girl) wants to run, climb everywhere, try everything. And suddenly there is a ban based on the fact that "you are a girl." Boys can, girls can't. If the prohibitions are repeated in different interpretations, then the girl may become disgusted with her gender - and now she already has a nose ring, a shaved head and wide trousers. Parents who wanted to develop femininity in a girl got the opposite result.

Bad words

• Your hands don't grow from there.

• A girl shouldn't run around like that, it's indecent.

• A girl should be modest, and you laugh out loud.

• How can a girl not clean her room?

• If you behave like this, you will bring it in the hem.

How is it right?

Until the child has entered the middle school age, that is, up to ten years old, it is not necessary to focus on what gender he is. And when the daughter begins to be actively interested in everything “girly”, here you can tell her about all the advantages of her gender. But it is about the benefits, because the main thing that a girl should feel is the joy that she is a future woman. You can pay attention: you are flexible, because you are a girl, you can wear such beautiful clothes, you feel thinner. It depends on whether you can find the right words now, whether the girl will be shy and afraid of her awakening femininity, hide her growing breasts and sob from the first menstruation - or be proud that she is becoming a woman. “The only important thing,” Zhanna Shopina warns, “at this moment is not to go too far and not to make a pouty doll out of your daughter, which everyone owes only because she is female: “I’m a girl, let the boys give way.”

I don't need anyone

How the complex “Who will marry you like that!” is born! - repeat the parents in every way. It is believed that they act out of good intentions, forcing them to be economic, neat, polite, etc. There are always many reasons for “no one to take it”: the character is heavy, and the room is dirty, and there is no cup washed. And, strangely, all the words spoken by parents, as a rule, materialize in the lives of children. “I won’t forget the refrain from the beginning of my memory to the time I left my parental home, “They won’t marry you!”, Performed by the whole family either in chorus or solo … How they looked into the water! We have been living with my daughter’s father for the fifth year as gouging friends, in you can’t bring us to the registry office under anesthesia, gender and family roles were generally lost somewhere along the way … With a shudder, I imagine myself as a wife, "Angela says cheerfully. There are also less optimistic results of" upbringing ". "I often heard: who will need you like that? Now I feel guilty before my husband for the fact that in our apartment it’s not at all sterile, not as “necessary”, and somewhere in the subcortex it is written that soon he will certainly get tired of “scum and dirt” and he will leave me … "- says Natalya, who is already over thirty. "Repeating" who will marry you like that, "- says Zhanna Shopina, - parents initially lay the idea that the girl will definitely depend on someone. This is how the girl is brought up, a subordinate position is programmed - and from here legs grow in dramatic family stories. The ones when a husband does whatever he wants just because he feels his wife's dependence. Unconsciously (and as we already know, what parents say goes deep into the subconscious), a grown girl will experience the fear of "exposure" in any relationship: at any moment, her husband or loved one will find out that in fact she does not deserve love.

Bad words

• If you don't go to college, you'll go to work as a janitor (dishwasher, secretary, trade).

• No one will get along with you with your character.

• Your husband will run away from you in a week if you act like this.

• What is easily obtained is not appreciated.

How is it right?

The main value that we must convey to the child is to teach him to value himself, to listen to his own feelings and emotions. Must teach to analyze words and deeds. And when a child is guided by clichés, even parental ones, he ceases to trust himself. For women, this is especially bad. “We all understand,” says Zhanna Shopina, “that it is the woman who “leads” the family, builds relationships. Yes, if necessary, she lets the man play the head of the family. That is why it is so important for a woman to learn to rethink the situation and relationships every time in order to understand how to proceed.”

I can't do anything

How the complex is born This usually happens with children of overprotective parents. The kid sings his favorite song, and the mother immediately: “No, no, you sing wrong, this is how it should be!” And the baby is silent. The girl sends drawings to the competition, her dad immediately informs her: “Don’t invent, you don’t have any talents, it’s better to learn math.” “In the ninth grade,” says marketing manager Oksana, “I decided to prepare for admission to the theater institute. But after the words of my mother, “such as you, there are a dime a dozen, you will only lose a year,” I drooped. Without the approval of my mother, I was afraid to take on something. As a result, according to Oksana, for many years she did not do what her heart lays on, until she was able to analyze her complexes. And Yulia, the mother of a five-year-old son, notices that her father’s favorite phrase: “There is no worse fool than a fool with initiative,” which was uttered in any of her attempts to show independence, for a long time discouraged the desire to take responsibility for anything. If a girl is told that she is armless, it is pointless to hope that she will happily take up sewing or begin to invent culinary masterpieces. Children are willing to do what they can. But to create a situation where it seems to the child that he succeeds, only adults can do it. If a girl enthusiastically helps her mother wash the dishes, even if it’s embarrassing, then it’s enough to say once: “You’re not doing well” - and she will not return to this activity voluntarily again. “That is why,” says Zhanna Shopina, “I believe that grades are harmful at primary school age! They stick like a label. And chronic "don't give a damn" or "notebook" A students grow up, which is even worse, because they are torn all their lives not so much to do something well, but to be highly appreciated.

Bad words

• You can't do anything right now.

• If you got down to business, then bring it to the end.

• It's impossible to be nice to you.

How is it right?

Instead of hammering into a child's head some truths that are obvious to adults, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to see the results of his actions. Even if they are wrong. No need to grumble and rush to wash a poorly washed cup - it’s better to praise the girl for her diligence, and then wash it later. It is naive to expect that a child from the very first steps will bring everything to the end, produce excellent results. Children learn about the world, and by the way the world responds, they judge themselves too. And finally, the most important prevention of complexes is trust. The sincere impulse of a child, no matter how stupid it may seem to you, cannot be ridiculed. If a daughter dreams of becoming a ballerina, this does not mean at all that she will definitely go to enter a choreographic school. Maybe she just likes a tutu or some kind of ballerina. But, if you immediately react with the words: “Oh my God, what a ballet if you weigh 50 kg,” you will achieve only one thing - next time she simply won’t share her thoughts and dreams. And trust is a very important thing in a child's relationship with his parents. It is very important for a teenager (and a girl especially) to know that he can discuss his problems with his mother. And even not so much to discuss as to speak out - without receiving assessments and condemnations. Sometimes it's easier to convey your feelings in writing, so you can invite the girl to write a letter (or start keeping a personal diary). Or, if a teenager categorically does not want to share with you now, then there is no need to force him to tell everything at all. It's enough just to say: "If you want, I'm always happy to listen and help you."

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