How to keep love in marriage?

How to keep love in marriage?
How to keep love in marriage?

I wonder if there is life after Mendelssohn's march? And why is it so hard for feelings to stay fresh when there are pots and diapers and grumbling relatives?

How to keep love in marriage?

I wonder if there is life after Mendelssohn's march? And why is it so hard for feelings to stay fresh when there are pots and diapers and grumbling relatives?

Ask any fifteen year old these questions and he will answer you in a second. Because love seems to him as endless as life. But, growing up, we understand that love is not so simple and not at all so omnipotent. Faced with routine and habit, with big problems and small bad deeds, it easily disappears, as if it never happened. Leaving us, still yesterday in love, in confusion and sadness. But those who consider marriage a cemetery of love are wrong. Psychologists say that deep and viable relationships not only can, but are best formed in the family. What do you need?

1. Remember passion

As trite as it sounds, a marriage that lacks (at least in the beginning) strong romantic feelings is devoid of stability. But feelings undergo changes, and this is largely due to our nature. At first, we experience romantic passion. Its main features are: the phenomenon of recognition (it seems that you have known a person all your life), the phenomenon of reunion (only next to your loved one you feel harmony and peace) and the phenomenon of necessity (you can hardly endure parting). A person is energetic, positive, and these sensations appear because the hormones dopamine, adrenaline and phenylethylamine, which are produced in the brain at the sight of a loved one, enter the bloodstream. But too much of these hormones can harm the body, so nature made sure that passion subsided after a year and a half or two. Why do we need this stage, why can't we immediately jump into something more peaceful? Then, firstly, to create the source from which it will be possible to draw memories, and secondly, in order to become firmly attached to each other. And almost all happy married couples are similar in that they have a memory of the romantic and slightly crazy time of the beginning of the novel.

2. Be friends

Forget about the fact that the phrase "let's be friends" means the end of love. Friendship is the basis of love, no less important than physical attraction. Friends feel the need to share the events of their lives, friends are interested in doing something together. According to psychologists, the main reason for the so-called crisis of routine is that marriage needs content: there must be something else that fuels people's interest in each other, without this the feeling inevitably fades away. That is why marriages where the wife participates in the work of the husband are often very strong. Football or hiking, painting, foreign languages, traveling - all these are great helpers in maintaining love, if both are passionate. But if the meaning of marital relations is to raise children as well, then when they leave home, severe disappointment will come. Much the same can be said about filling the marriage with content such as building a house or saving money.

3. Consciously experience crises

Marriage is a living organism and, like any living being, goes through times of stability and periods of crisis. Psychologists talk about some of the most common dangers in marriage: in the first year, a “normative crisis” occurs, built on the fact that relationships go from festive to everyday, while discrepancies in marital expectations come to the surface. If a child is born at the same time, then a role-redefinition crisis is added: the woman temporarily becomes more of a mother than a wife, and evaluates her husband more as a father than a sexual partner. And a man feels helpless, because his parental instinct is not as strong as that of a woman, and in the first months it may not manifest itself. Knowing all this, you can get around sharp corners: do not blame each other for lack of attention, give each other the opportunity to temporarily return to their former roles of lovers and friends, etc. At the age of 6-7, the family enters the “seventh year crisis”. It is partly due to the fact that biological, at the hormonal level, getting used to each other occurs and sexual desire decreases. In addition, the first child most often leaves infancy, ceases to be funny and ingenuous, and the festivity that the admiration of the baby gave was washed out of the relationship. The wrong move is to give birth to a second child at this moment. The right thing is to start looking for those same joint activities and hobbies that will help you jump out of the usual rut of everyday life and look at each other in a new way. After all, there is still a midlife crisis (at about 40 years old), which is especially difficult for men, an “empty nest” crisis (when grown children leave), from which women suffer so much.

4. Be able to talk to each other

Oddly enough, but most complaints about the love who left marriage begin with the words "we stopped talking to each other." Exchanging meaningless phrases, discussing the problems of children, money, cleaning and shopping, the spouses gradually lose their taste for conversations “for life”, in which they can touch on the books they read and the films they saw, politics, mood. Only in such conversations can one calmly and without tension “talk out” the main problems of relations: when discussing cinema, ask, for example: “What would you do in his place? For example, I didn’t like this in her behavior.” etc. (And sitting next to the “we need to talk about relationships” task is a daunting prospect for many, especially men.) After all, there is nothing more damaging to a marriage than the silent accumulation of mutual recriminations.

Recipes for happy couples

Married for twenty-four years

His recipe: In family life, one cannot stoop to lies, one must trust each other, hear each other. For men, I would advise not to be embarrassed and instead of lying on the couch, take part of the “female” and, as many believe, light housework for yourself.

Her recipe: It is not always necessary in family life to show miracles of integrity and defend your position to the point of hoarseness. Sometimes you have to listen and give in. Also, it seems to me, you don’t need to “cut” your husband for little things, it’s better to turn everything into a joke. Small holidays are also needed: candlelit dinners, flowers and gifts for no reason.

Married for a year and a half

Her recipe: The most important thing in family life is patience towards each other, compliance. In some situations, it is better to remain silent, not to argue, but simply to agree with your soulmate. Let him think he's right. We women know perfectly well who is really right, and the most intelligent women will turn everything so that he agrees, thinking that he decided it on his own.

His recipe: The main thing in a happy family life is love and respect for each other. And the second is trust and sincerity. If you sincerely trust your loved one, then in return you see the same sincerity. Without at least one of these components, marriage cannot be happy.

Married for eight years

His recipe: There is this joke: a married couple is asked: “How did you manage to live in marriage for 25 years?” The husband replies: “There is a division in our family. The wife decides secondary issues: how to spend the money, where to go on vacation, where to send the children to study. And I deal with global issues: for example, why are oil prices rising …”In general, I adhere to the line of this husband: I don’t argue with my wife, I rely on her in all matters.

Her recipe: No need to try to "make Hobotov a man." Develop your own personality so as not to lose interest in each other. Love the person, not the ideal model you have in mind.

Married for sixty-one years

Her recipe: We must trust each other! Do you know how many pretty girls around my husband were in the clinic? If I didn't trust him completely, what would happen? And yet, we need to help each other in everything. When my husband was writing dissertations, I took an English course and then translated hundreds of articles for him. And he once made me all the drawings for the diploma. We traveled with children on foot and skiing, went to the mountains - this, you know, is very uniting.

His recipe: If there is love, it will not go anywhere. Relationships are about eternal compromise. And in relations between a man and a woman, the main thing is not only the ability to find this very compromise, honesty, truthfulness to each other is needed. Nothing will come of it without it.

Love geography

Is personal life very different in the province from the capital? Sociologists say yes. But even more significant these differences depend on the region in which people live. Tradition is what defines our lives

In both capitalsyoung people “walk” without a stamp in their passport up to the age of 32. In the provinces, they try to get married before 26. The reasons are banal: in the periphery they still have not learned how to protect themselves. As a result, marriages are most often entered into here "on a flight", and 30% of children in Russia are born out of wedlock.

Chukotka - the land of suitors. Here, contrary to the famous song, there are 10 guys for 9 girls, or, to be precise, 924 women for 1000 men.

Dagestan has the highest birth rate in the country. On average, there are three children in a family, this figure is 2 times higher than in the capital.

In the Astrakhan region all marriages are made only for love. In recent years, only 2 cases of a so-called fictitious marriage between a young man and an elderly woman were recorded in order to obtain the citizenship of the spouse.

In Yakutia one third of all marriages are mixed. This well characterizes the stability of interethnic relations in the Republic.

Kabardino-Balkaria has the fewest registered single mothers. The percentage of children born out of wedlock does not exceed 15%, and on average in Russia this figure exceeds 25%.

In Moscow almost 1.5 thousand marriages with foreigners are registered annually. But over the past 5 years, Europeans and Americans have been strongly pressed by oriental suitors. So, about 150 Muscovites marry Turks every year.

In St. Petersburg there are almost no conflicts between husband and wife over money. In contrast to the situation in Russia, the incomes of women and men in leadership positions in the Northern capital differ by only 1.1 times.

Magadan is the leader in divorces in Russia. In 2006, 1,000 marriages and 1,320 divorces were registered here. In general, 2 times more marriages break up in Russia than in the EU countries.

The Orenburg region has the highest abortion rate in Russia: more than 70 out of every thousand pregnant women want to have an abortion.

Record holders for the number of marriages live in the Krasnodar Territory. 83-year-old Alexander Kapitunov married 32 times in his life. A little behind him is a countrywoman - 77-year-old Ekaterina Lyulko, having changed 28 husbands. In Russia, only 5% of the population have changed three or more partners during their lifetime.

The most conservative families live in Bashkortostan. 48% of parents do not talk to their children about sex. 60% of teenagers never share personal secrets with their parents.

Thank you for the information and cooperation of the Director of the Institute for Social and Gender Policy Natalia BERDNIKOVA.

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