You don't need a reason to value your life time.
In the comments to my last post, someone yandel wrote: “I envied your illness. Forgive me for this. Strength to you and many, many days without pain at all!” I understand what this cry of the soul is about
By the time I was talking about the impossibility of spending the night with me, I already lived alone, lived as I wanted, as it was more convenient for me, and not at all like everyone else, but in the mode in which I was most productive. Before that, I still had to get there, and I went to this for quite a long time. This psychologist is of the “American school”. Everything is simple with them: for starters, they advise you to put aside all claims, feelings (and blackmail by them), disagreements and inconveniences of everyone else. Even when it comes to family and friends. “You make it so that you feel good, and then everyone else will feel good with you” - this is their rule, and they believe in it. At first, the concepts of this psychologist scared me terribly. How is it to send everyone to hell? Including parents, husband and child? All our childhood we were threatened with a terrible prospect: “If you do this, you will become an egoist!” Selfishness is a terrible thing, it is impossible. And to say "no" and do it your way - this is the most terry selfishness! Only one argument forced me at some point to do everything as she advised. She exclaimed: “Maybe you have nothing left to live! You are a sick person. You don't have the luxury of indulging everyone around you!"
This speech seemed convincing to me. Indeed, I am really trying to do something here, although I have a fresh hole on my stomach, my strength is running out, and I want to do so much. I wasn't able to just do what I want just because I want to. I still needed an excuse, and a serious one. I got it - I'm dying! Try to oppose something to this argument! I suddenly understood all the people who, having learned that they were dying, began to fulfill their dreams. We went, flew, abandoned, tried … There is practically nothing to lose and you don’t want to listen to anyone. Although I did not intend to die at any point in my illness and, on the contrary, I always hoped that I would live for a long, long time, I liked the “dying person” attitude. I began to live as if today is the last chance for everything. I decided to take many non-standard steps, ignoring the condemning comments of others. She stopped wasting time on meaningless "exchanges of pleasantries" and indulging other people's whims, trying to impose her views on life on me and make me live in a way that is more convenient for others. In addition to being even happier, I've found that I'm more productive, I get more done, and stress has disappeared from my life. Apart from force majeure like illness, there are no sorrows left in my life. Everything became as I want.
And only recently I suddenly realized that you don't have to die at all to allow yourself to live like this! And I realized this, by the way, in the course of a dialogue similar to the dialogue of my readers! A friend suddenly sighed: “It’s good for you - you can send everyone to hell, you have a good reason!” I suddenly answered quite sincerely: “You can do it too, and there is no need for a reason!!! Every life and every moment of every life is equally precious! And you don’t have to have death before your eyes to allow yourself to say that the minutes of my life are too dear to me to waste them on something else!” It's funny, but I myself realized this simple truth just a second before I expressed it to my friend.
A week later, a friend called me and said that nothing came out of her. For trying to do something in her own way and make a very unusual (but convenient for herself) decision, the society runs into her. “Maybe tell everyone that I'm dying? sighed her friend. “Then they would have left me alone.” I sent her to my psychologist. And I myself think: “Well, this can not be! There must be a path, more painless and difficult than mine, to understand that every minute of every person's life is precious, whatever that life may be. And one does not need to stand with both feet in the grave in order to "have the right" sometimes, without the slightest remorse, to send everyone to hell. Just because you want to.
LJ address: miumau.livejournal.com
Life offline: Yana Frank was born in 1972 in Dushanbe in a family of graphic artists. In 1990 she moved to Berlin, where she became a designer and later creative director in a large agency. Trying to combine work, home and raising her son, she formed her own system for organizing creative processes, as a result of which she achieved success. In 2003, another obstacle appeared - a serious illness. Today, Yana writes books about her profession, draws illustrations for magazines, teaches and makes art. Despite the fact that she still has to spend a lot of time in hospitals, she manages to do everything that is important to her.