Why do women lose desire at 30 and 40? The doctor-sexologist Vera Alekseeva tells.
One of my patients confessed during a consultation: “If a woman had an off button on her body, I would say that it worked for me many years ago.” Another 44-year-old woman complained that recently her algebra homework and cleanliness in the kitchen worries her much more than sex. And these women are no exception to the rule. Decreased sexual desire is one of the biggest problems I face. The results of different studies differ from each other, and in general it can be said that from 35% to 60% of women in different countries admit that they experienced a decrease in libido at certain periods of their lives. And this means that the level of sexual desires of almost half of married couples does not match.
Can you imagine how much it is?
A woman lies in bed, her eyes closed, and talks about how tired she is, so that only it would not occur to a man to have sex, and he almost has to beg her for what once seemed to be the most the greatest pleasure in life.
A man once said to me at the reception: “She lies a few centimeters from me, but the impression is that we are separated by several kilometers. She has such an expression on her face that a hand cannot rise to touch her.”
To understand this problem, my colleagues and I conducted an experiment involving 98 couples. We asked them to record their conversations and thoughts about sex for several weeks. The study involved people of all ages: there were both students and those who have been married for more than 50 years.
There were amazing stories in these diaries. One forty-year-old man bitterly wrote how one day, tired of persuading his wife, he said irritably: “That's it, I've had enough! I don't want to persuade you anymore. We'll have sex when you ask for it." It's been 8 years since then and they still live together but have never had sex.
Many women regretted that they refused their partners too often, and immediately felt sorry for themselves, because they are too tired during the day, and there is no time for rest at all. Almost everyone who recognizes a decrease in desire is shocked by this: after all, once they could not tear themselves away from each other, and it was impossible to imagine that someday the excitement would pass. One of the participants wrote this: “After the birth of the twins, I could not even think about sex. One day, my husband didn't talk to me for days when he heard me waving my arms in my sleep and yelling, "Get off me! I don't want to!"
I just don't want to
Women have repeatedly confessed to me during the sessions that they are offended and stop being attracted to their husbands because they refuse to help them around the house? Show this article to your husband and let him think: is it worth carving out some money from the family budget for an au pair and enjoying sex with his wife through this?
One of my patients told this story: “Yes, my husband agrees to help me. But he does it as if he wants me not to ask him for anything next time. If he washes the dishes, then he has to wash them again. If he hangs out the washed laundry, he crumple it and it does not dry for several days. And if he takes out the trash, he will certainly drop something along the way! And then she wonders why I'm so annoyed. Yes, after such help, I want to kill him, and not have sex with him!
I advised the woman to talk to her husband. She came to the next appointment in tears: “He said that even if I had a cleaning lady, a nanny and a cook, I would still find an excuse to refuse sex. And I didn't even have anything to say to him. Because, you know… deep down I myself am afraid that he is right!”
The fact is that male and female desire are different in nature. Male libido is more dependent on testosterone levels, and sex helps men relax. For them, this is a great way to relieve stress. And if a woman cannot get rid of tension and relax, she does not need any sex. Some doctors believe that new mothers are naturally programmed to avoid sex. Thus, they can give due attention to their children. When a relationship is just beginning, the feeling of falling in love starts chemical processes in the body, and desire practically does not subside - this is true for both men and women. But after a few years, the passion passes, and then the women begin to go to bed late, hoping that the husband will fall asleep without waiting for her.
Of course, there are exceptions. Our study involved couples who have lived together for 40 years and are in love with each other, as in the first year after the wedding. And there are couples who, instead of having sex, enjoy watching movies in the evenings and eating pizza for decades. And at the same time feel completely happy!
Rollercoaster of desire
Many men are now sympathetic to the fluctuations of female desire and are ready to wait quite a long time until she is in the right mood. But, given the current rhythm of life and stress, sometimes you have to wait a very long time. So what to do?
Still try to relax…
But I must admit right away: this method does not work for everyone. Some take this idea with hostility: “Why should I do what I don’t want to?” Of course you shouldn't - that's what I tell all my patients. The main joy of sex lies precisely in the fact that it is not an obligation, not a routine matter, but a free choice. Only you decide who and how you want to give this pleasure. And if, on mature reflection, you decide that you want to give it to your husband (mind you, you should not, but you want to do this), even if you are tired, you will not regret it.
And one more thing that never ceases to amaze me: how quickly the relationship of the spouses improves if they both take a step towards each other. Judge for yourself. Perhaps the husband does not know what is the reason for your irritation. And you do not realize that behind the insistent demands of sex is not at all the desire of your husband to completely exhaust you. He wants to get your attention, to remind you that he is the man you chose and were once in awe of. He just doesn't know any other way, because men aren't very creative, you know.