They were kidnapped and passed from hand to hand, taken in the trunk across the border, shown on TV.
The whole year of 2009 was marked by children in our country. Those that parents can not share in any way. Scandals thundered one after another, where mothers and fathers fought among themselves for the right to live with a child, and this struggle reached the point of crime. Children were abducted and handed over, smuggled across the border in trunks, taken to press conferences, and shown endlessly on TV. It turned out that in the courts the number of such cases is growing like a snowball. What are the reasons for this boom of conflicts around children? "DO" recalls the most high-profile stories and tries with the help of experts to understand not only the causes and consequences, but also to find ways to solve difficult problems
From border to border
In the homelands
But perhaps the most scandalous stories of the "sharing" of children took place within the country. Moreover, show business stars of the first magnitude, businessmen and deputies were involved in them. Kristina Orbakaite and Ruslan Baysarov, Yana Rudkovskaya and Viktor Baturin, Olga and Vladimir Slutsker - they all became participants in family dramas, where children acted as objects. Not money, as it used to be, not property, not real estate. Maybe because all the characters in these stories are well-to-do people. Therefore, the fierce struggle has shifted to "indivisible" property, to children. And the further, the tendency to this kind of scandals only intensifies.
Fathers and sons
In all these stories, despite different circumstances, there is one thing in common: one parent suddenly deprives the other of the opportunity to see the child. And, even having received the right to cohabit with the child, the other parent often cannot use this right.
Can this be avoided? Quite, says Boris Altshuller, head of the NGO "Right of the Child", a member of the Public Chamber of the Russian Federation, an expert in the State Duma on family, women and children. He says that it is necessary to start changing the laws: “Maybe these high-profile cases will finally inspire our legislators to eliminate the failures of the Family Code of the Russian Federation in the field of postmarital relations between parents and their own children. After all, the regulation of these relations is not even stated in the program article 2 of the RF IC as one of the tasks of family law, and this despite the fact that articles 54, 55, 61 of the Code proclaim the right of both parents to communicate with the child and participate in his upbringing and the child's right to parenting.
Declaring with us is easy, but for some reason it is impossible to make the words come true. And it would seem that it is not difficult to do, especially since the world experience is well known: in such situations, the court appoints a procedure for communication and upbringing of their common children by both parents, and a violation of this order that is not agreed with the other side is considered as contempt of court and prosecuted. And surprisingly, it works: the most nervous and resentful follow the appointed order of communication.”
Simply put, if there are minor children in the family, then during a divorce, an agreement must be signed, which describes in detail: with whom the child lives, how the second parent can meet with him, where and how the meetings take place, etc. e.
If the parents cannot agree, then the court itself must develop this agreement, based on all available information. And for violation of this agreement, the violating parent should be severely punished.
But besides that, parents today need to learn how to negotiate - and this is the most difficult thing. “It is difficult for the courts to determine which of the parties in such cases is right and which is guilty,” says Igor Mikhailov. - Both parents are to blame for violating the rights of the child, subjecting him to stress in the process of his division, which, as a rule, is accompanied by lies, mutual reproaches, manipulation and scandals. After all this, it doesn't matter who gets the baby.”
In the meantime, scandals appear like mushrooms after rain: in mid-October, the Internet was stirred up by the story of Ksenia Pushkina, which she told in her blog. According to Ksenia, her two-year-old daughter Polina was taken away by her grandmother, a former mother-in-law: once she took her granddaughter for the weekend, and then simply did not return.
For two years, Ksenia fought for the right to live with her daughter. Even having a court order in her hands on determining the child’s residence with her mother, she could not take the girl from her grandmother’s private house - neither she nor the bailiffs were simply allowed to leave the gates of a well-guarded area. And only after a long time did the mother manage to reunite with her daughter. Moreover, the father, according to Xenia herself, did not take part in the process, he only signed a power of attorney in the name of his mother …
Anatoly Kucherena, a lawyer, participated in many processes for the "partition" of children
There are many businessmen among the defendants in such stories. Unfortunately, our big business has developed not in the process of creating some new values, but in the course of a fierce division of the Soviet legacy. Many businessmen are so accustomed to the endless process of "sharing", to the seizure of property that does not fully belong to them, that they begin to transfer these approaches and methods to family conflicts. And at the same time, they sincerely believe that whoever has more money has more rights to a child.
The main mistake is the inability to agree, the transfer of the conflict that has arisen to the court, and even more so - to the public space. It would seem that, as a lawyer, I should advocate for the resolution of all conflicts in court. But here is exactly the case when parents must negotiate among themselves, putting the interests of the child at the forefront.
From a legal point of view, the only way is to conclude an agreement that will spell out all the details related to the communication of parents with a child in the event of a divorce. Parents can enter into such an agreement both at any time during the marriage and after its dissolution.
Spouses at the time of divorce or immediately after it are overwhelmed with negative emotions and mutual insults, and if earlier they tried to avenge the insult by suing most of the property, now, unfortunately, children become the object of disputes.
Of course, parents can prescribe the process of communication with the child as much as possible, but the issue of fulfilling the agreement often remains open. Why not go to court every time one of the parents once again brought the child home two hours late?
Therefore, in my opinion, the only way out is to compromise the interests of the parents.
For those Russian women who are just about to marry a foreigner, I can give some advice:
1. Get married in the country where your chosen one lives. This will allow you to more successfully defend your rights, since there is a single legal space in Europe, and Russian laws do not apply there.
2. While married, seek foreign citizenship. This case is complicated and troublesome, but quite possible.
3. Before leaving, learn the language of the host country well. In France, for example, if you don't speak French, you will be looked down upon, how shall I put it, a little down.
4. Be sure to sign a marriage contract. It is advisable, among other things, to describe the procedure for custody of children in the event of a divorce and record the consent of the husband to receive Russian citizenship for each of your joint children.
Elena Moiseeva, a psychologist at the Moscow Gestaldt Institute, worked as a psychologist at the Mummi Troll school for 10 years
Home Hearth: How do you explain all these noisy stories?
Elena Moiseeva: This is a natural process of increasing father's authority. In our culture, it has always been accepted that the child stays with the mother during a divorce, and the father steps aside and does not have the right to vote. Now fatherhood is becoming very important, men want to communicate with children, insist on their participation in the lives of children - this, of course, complicates everything, but in general it is right and good.
TO: Why are ex-spouses fighting each other so brutally?
EAT: It's a lie that they share the baby. In fact, they are trying to share the common space that existed between them. In this case, the child is only a metaphor, an object, and no one thinks about him. And the most important thing to try to do is to separate the child himself from the relationship of two adults. The most dangerous thing is when a child who is not yet three years old is drawn into a conflict - experiences go into the unconscious, and then it is impossible to work with them.
DO: It turns out that those countries are right where guardianship authorities or the court can “remove a child from the conflict zone” and transfer it to other people?
EM: Well, if the parents are completely losing their minds, then it is possible that it is. In practice, more often than not, at least one of the parents retains sanity. But outside help is needed. In a good way, during a divorce, especially a conflict one, the child should be “accompanied” by a psychologist who will understand at what stage of living the situation he is, to what extent he accepted the situation. And the main task is precisely that the child accepts it and understands that, despite the divorce, mom and dad will stay forever.
TO: What happens to a child's psyche during a parent's divorce?
EAT: He loses his footing, the foundation of his life. Most often, the child does not talk about this topic. But his behavior can change completely - the child becomes depressed, distracted, confused. He really needs support, and parents, keen on sorting out relationships, often do not provide this support to him. Sometimes a mother who is left depressed after a divorce is too busy with herself and her worries.
DO: Can a child feel comfortable living with mom and dad?
EAT: Yes, the child's psyche may well adapt to this. But at the same time, it is important that somewhere there is his own place where he feels at home. But, of course, if a child is suddenly removed from the family (as, for example, with Orbakaite's son Deni), he loses something familiar and understandable. And it's hard.