Our memories are mixed. They can give strength to fly, or they can pull to the bottom like a stone.
Our memories are mixed. They can give strength for flight, or they can pull to the bottom with a stone. Our experts will tell you how to turn your past into a true ally.
Our memories are like a home library. You can go years without looking at these books. And yet they are always at hand.
Unfortunately, very often memories do not help, but harm. They torment, take away the strength necessary for today's circumstances. Such experiences associated with intrusive memories most often haunt us after the breakup of a relationship that was very significant. No matter how cheerful we are, parting has its own dynamics: normally, you will remember your past partner quite intensively for about 2-3 more years. But sometimes, even after years, nothing changes in your attitude. You understand that the past has captured you so much that it prevents you, as Grebenshchinov sang, from “moving on.”
Women are especially addicted. Some people endlessly look through old photos and home videos, keep gizmos that remind of an ex-lover, and then talk about him with their girlfriends … If all this applies to you, then most likely you are caught in the web of an emotionally unfinished divorce. Do you remember what Baron Munchausen's wife used to say? Divorce makes a man free and a woman abandoned. A woman is at the mercy of a common myth: it is she who is the keeper of the hearth, the responsibility for the “weather in the house” lies entirely with her, which means that she did not save her family. It can be difficult for us to accept the idea that, when parting with a partner, a person does not focus on particulars, but comes to a global conclusion: he can no longer be together with this person, no matter how hard he tries to change for him. The very image of love is destroyed, and a broken vase, as you know, cannot be glued together. Let's not deceive ourselves: overnight, by an effort of will, you will not be able to get rid of difficult memories of an important part of your life. But this is not necessary. Try, thinking about the past, to see it more objectively: not in black and white, but in the whole color palette. And then you can neutralize and tame past impressions, not allowing them to prevent you from seeing other people and building new relationships.
How to stop living in the past after divorce?
■ Don't intentionally hurt yourself. Set aside albums with your shared photos, don't turn on the CD with "your melody", don't reread your ex-spouse's text messages. Try not to specifically feed painful memories, do not let them grow.
■ Set a time limit for grief. Tell yourself: after this day, I will remember our life together with him only occasionally. You can fix the result with some symbolic action that will signify a new period in your life for you, for example, go on a trip.
■ Build your own emotional space. Remember what you were like before meeting with your ex-husband, what you were fond of, what you wanted to learn. Think about who you are. What are you? Try to fill the void that has arisen after the breakup with something that is dear to you.
■ Become desirable. Take care of yourself, pay attention to your appearance, remember what it is like to attract admiring glances and flirt with pleasure.
■ Be alone for a while. Do not rush after the breakup to quickly dive into a new relationship. Listen to yourself, think about what you really want. And only then, when you recover psychologically, boldly go towards a new love.