Answers Oleg Sus, psychotherapist, therapist at the Research Institute of Social Psychology and Psychology of Personality Development
Answer: You may be surprised, but every girl and every guy had this situation to some extent. Someone is already, but you are not yet.
And you are a great clever girl: figured out the reasons for this state of affairs on your own. An alcoholic dad and a too-correct mom. Because of your father, you are afraid of men. And mom's influence is manifested in the fact that you have to do everything right, and sex is, you see, not quite the right thing. In addition, I think, from your mother, you generally have an attitude towards sex as something dirty and bad. Of course, it’s scary to give yourself up to such a thing. And even though you understand everything with your head, there is fear inside.
From childhood, you are used to switching to a parental role in a dangerous situation. This is understandable: you had to protect your younger brother and sister from your father. Yes, and for your own mother in her showdown with her father, you were like a mother - comforted her, helped. I think you have learned to “jump” into the parental position in a terrible situation. And now, when a handsome man is nearby, you get worried and become a mommy! And such a position extinguishes flirting, because men cannot have sex with mothers.
I invite you to step out of your safe parenting position. Let's start with online communication. Track how you usually get scared and become a mommy. Next time, take a chance: continue to be afraid, but look at the pages and read what men write. Along with fear, you can feel all the other feelings. Write a message if you are interested in something or are very worried. This is the same. For now, communicate without sex. First, a pleasant conversation. Let's take it as what the doctor ordered. And then we'll see…
Although you can do it faster. You know, your story is somewhat reminiscent of the tale of Sleeping Beauty. Something important happened long ago, in childhood. And the girl falls asleep for many, many years, for example, for sex and live communication. Time passes, and the Sleeping Beauty sleeps restlessly (where is the prince?). I have a great friend - Mitya Sokolov. He is a famous fairy tale therapist, author of books and just a master. Find his books or go to a training. Mitya is surprisingly clever in organizing the disenchantment of the Sleeping Beauties. Princes visit him too.
Q: Everyone says, "Love yourself and others will treat you differently." And how to do it - love yourself?
A: Grab a piece of paper and write expressions of self-love. In a column. Well, for example, 50 points. And even better - all 100. A hundred real ways to show love to yourself. Have you written? Next - write a plan for how you will implement all this. Moreover, all items must be completed within a month. Let's be serious: do it do it! If you put off something for the next month, make a replacement item. Just replace it proportionately so that it doesn’t turn out that “I’ll start treating myself like a talented specialist” was replaced with “I will please myself with a chocolate bar.”
And one more piece of advice: every day look at yourself in the mirror, admire, accept yourself. At the same time, hug yourself tightly and say to yourself: "I'm good." After that, say: "I accept myself for who I am." And so every day. That, in fact, is all.