How to raise boys properly? 14 tips and also - the main mistakes of mothers.
How to raise boys? Someone will say - to develop physical strength, responsibility, stamina. But then what about sensitive and emotional boys?
What are they made of
The well-known sexologist and sociologist, Academician of the Russian Academy of Sciences, Professor Igor Kon in his new book "The Boy is the Father of a Man" says that in many ways boys are "forgotten children", a weak link in modern education.
Analyzing in detail all aspects of a boy's life, plunging into history, into the traditions of raising men in different cultures, Igor Kon tells parents, caregivers, wives and girlfriends about “what boys are made of.
Partly these problems are due to the very nature of boys, their desire for risk and adventure, but in part - the wrong ideas of parents about how boys should be brought up and what to teach. For example, many do not attach importance to whether the son knows how to show emotions. On the contrary, boys are taught in every possible way to hide their grievances and tears inside.
But modern research proves that emotionality is closely related to intelligence. In addition to the well-known IQ, there is emotional intelligence (EI), on which a person’s life success largely depends, including his professional and career growth. Emotional intelligence is a person's ability to understand and feel emotions - both their own and others, as well as the ability to manage them.
Today, psychologists agree that the emotional closeness of boys leads to psychological problems for them. These problems are most acute in adolescents, for whom emotional muteness makes it difficult for self-disclosure and communication with peers. The desire to always and everywhere act from a position of strength is one of the reasons for the culture of violence, drug addiction and unmotivated teenage cruelty. In order to avoid such problems, Professor Kohn advises, boys should be taught to recognize and express their feelings from an early age. For example, tell your son: “You look sad” or “I think you are disappointed with something.” The simple phrase "I was scared, and you?" can make it easier for the boy to express his feelings. We need to listen more to the child and develop his emotional vocabulary, especially with regard to emotions such as fear and anxiety.
“What children need to be taught,” writes Igor Kon, “the gentlemen bosses know, and professors of pedagogy know how to do it … Sociologists, based on the state of the world in which modern boys have to live, know better how boys should not be brought up.
So I dare to offer parents a few tips.
1. Don't make a "real man" out of a boy. All real men are different, fake men are only those who pretend to be "real". Andrei Dmitrievich Sakharov bears as little resemblance to Arnold Schwarzenegger as Carmen does to the heroine's mother. Help your boy choose the version of masculinity that is closer to him and in which he will be more successful…
2. Don't make him a warrior and defender of the fatherland. The historical destinies of the modern world, of which Russia is a part, are decided not on the battlefields, but in the field of scientific, technical and cultural achievements. If your boy grows up to be a worthy person and a citizen who knows how to defend his rights and fulfill the duties associated with them, he will also cope with the defense of the fatherland. If he gets used to seeing enemies around and solving all disputes from a position of strength, nothing but trouble will shine for him in life.
3. Don't educate him to be a hunter,this profession has long gone out of fashion. Almost half of all animal species are listed in the Red Book, and human hunters sooner or later end up in the dock of the Hague Tribunal…
4. Don't teach him to be different from women. First of all, he is already different from them. Secondly, “not to be a girl” will definitely and harshly, even against our will, be taught by peers. Why would you sing in this loud but voiceless choir? Parents are unique and should be soloists.
5. Don't teach a boy… to treat a woman from a position of power. Being a knight is beautiful, but if your boy finds himself in a relationship with a woman not leading, but a follower, or facing unfair competition from her, this will be traumatic for him. It is more reasonable to see in “a woman in general” an equal partner and potential friend, and build relationships with specific girls and women individually.
6. Don't try to shape your son in your own image and likeness. Even the Lord God, whose beloved creation often looks like an evil caricature of His plan, did not succeed in this. For a parent, a much more important task is to help the boy become himself.
7. Don't force the boy to realize your unfulfilled dreams and illusions. You don't know what the hell is guarding the path you once turned off, and whether it even exists…
8. Don't try to be a strict father or an affectionate mother if these traits are not yours. First, it is impossible to deceive a child. Secondly, it is not an abstract "sex-role model" that influences him, but the individual properties of the parent, his moral example, the way he treats his son.
9. Don't believe the psychologists who say that defective boys grow up in single-parent families. This statement is factually false, but acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. “Incomplete families” are not those in which there is no father or mother, but those where there is a lack of parental love.
10. Do not try to replace the society of peers for your son, avoid confrontation with the boyish environment, even if you do not like it. The only thing you can and should do is to mitigate the inevitable trauma and hardship associated with it. Against "bad comrades" the trusting atmosphere in the family helps best of all.
11. Do not abuse the inhibitions and avoid confrontation with the boy if possible. If strength is on your side, then time is on his side. A short-term gain can easily turn into a long-term loss. And if you break his will, both sides will lose.
12. Never use corporal punishment. Whoever hits a child shows weakness, not strength. The illusory pedagogical effect is completely offset by long-term alienation and hostility.
13. Don't try to impose a certain occupation and profession on your son. By the time he makes his responsible choice, your preferences may be morally and socially obsolete. The only way is to enrich the interests of the child from early childhood so that he has the widest possible choice of options and opportunities.
14. Don't rely too much on the experience of your ancestors. We don't know the real history of everyday life well, normative prescriptions and pedagogical practices have never coincided with each other anywhere. In addition, living conditions have changed, and some methods of education that were previously considered useful (the same spanking) are now unacceptable and ineffective.
Develop emotional intelligence
• Tell your son more about how you feel
• Describe other people's feelings
• Discuss other men's feelings
• Use music, literature, movies to explore feelings
• Teach boys emotional courage
• Give boys the opportunity to take care, help at home and neighbors, encourage older brothers to help younger brothers
• Don't forget to appreciate the sensitivity of boys
• Most importantly, take your time!