Advice from a psychologist and a detective. How to understand that a husband is cheating, and what to do if you are convinced of this for sure?
How to understand that the husband is cheating, and what to do if you are convinced of this for sure? Psychologist and detective offer professional advice. HE changed! It does not matter where and how this sad news came from. Now the main thing is to immediately pull yourself together. I will explain how to do it
Before you make a decision for life, chill. The most difficult, as a rule, the first eight hours after we learn the "news". It immediately comes to mind: divorce is a panacea for all ills, but then you realize that the cure is worse than the disease. Let's skip the excuses and the search for the guilty. You need a strategy to win. When you decide what to do, correctly formulate what you expect from a future relationship. Imagine that you could be in his place. Maybe in ten years you will have love on the side, and then the universal law of "return" will turn everything upside down, and will put you before a choice!
You should always try to mend broken relationships before you realize they can't be repaired. Even if you eventually break up, it will happen the way you want. But in the future, you will not be able to blame yourself for not trying to return your loved one and having lost a person whose replacement was never found.
You need to understand the reasons why you have moved away from each other. If you want to reconnect, urgently correct old mistakes in yourself. The main thing is not to forget: separation opens up new perspectives for us.
So, read what considerations will be useful to you now
1. I will do my best to win. In the fight against betrayal, the most important thing is to understand that you are fighting for your family and your loved one. Not with a rival, not with him, but with circumstances, selfish desires, anger and cooling of relations. Your goal is peace and tenderness in the home and family. Do not listen to stupid advice and do not do crazy things out of fear or anger. Now you urgently need to understand what needs to be done so that your husband turns to face you and the family, and not to a new passion.
2. I can't hold him. I turn to God for help. Leave the man alone with the problem. Get rid of the “I have to do something, and if it doesn’t work out, I have to try even harder” mindset. Thousands of women tried in vain to protect their husbands with words. And, only when the moral and physical forces come to an end, the woman realizes that she has no more strength. Learn to pray - it's never too late.
3. I am responsible for myself and our child. Preserving mental and moral he alth in the family is now your most important task. Stop reading morality and swearing, do not feel sorry for yourself and do not be offended. Tell your baby: “I will make our life better!” And do it, don't be lazy and don't procrastinate.
4. I understand that my responsibility for my beloved relaxes him even more.If he does not feel suffering, he will not understand that it was you who protected him from them all this time. Force yourself to move away from his problems, let him make mistakes. Doing something for him makes you feel important. Stop. Learn to say "no" to his calls to participate in his life when he leaves you in a state of an abandoned doll again and again. Played - and went to the freshly beloved. What a great guy!
5. He is en titled to his needs and feelings and I respect his inner world. How to continue to love him if this goat is lying, getting out, rude and does not want to discuss anything? Understand: every person wants to feel self-sufficient and needed. In a relationship with another woman, he gets it, even begins to speak in her words, because he is in love and takes her thoughts for his own. Whatever you say to him now, he will brush off your words like mosquitoes. Consider, now he wants to do something in his life himself. Selection e.g.
6. I also live and feel. You are accustomed to pity and understand your sweetheart. Isn't it enough? They say it's always good to know exactly what you want, but it's even better to know what you don't want. Speak about it out loud, do not dissemble! Get rid of the harmful slogan: "I myself." Start talking to your husband with the words: “Don’t be angry, but I also want this and that”, “I also need this.”
7. I strive to become better by understanding my mistakes and shortcomings. Self-flagellation will not help your goal. If he is trying to do something for reconciliation, do not miss his intentions. Be creative. Live here and now, in no case reproach, without pouring resentment
8. Restoring peace in the house. You have the right to privacy. Get out of the house. Stop saving on yourself, buy a subscription to a sports club, clothes, underwear, jewelry. Ask him for money. He will pay off if he feels guilty and does not intend to leave the family. If you start to get greedy, know that it's time to think about the stash. Do you want to be loved and indulge him in everything? It is not right. Say you want to have sex with him. Try to return the sensuality and switch his attention to yourself.
9. I won't take revenge on him. If he decides to stay with you, it's not easy for him. Do not remind about what happened, do not punish him. He might change his mind.
10. I will try to return him to the family. He lives with you - so let him kindly take care of the presence of powder and bread in the house. Do you wash it for him, cook for him, and eat yourself for it? If you don't want it, don't do it! Serving him is not good at all. Sit down, they say, dear, and I will take you on my back to the sound of bells. I'll be like a wedding horse: the head is in bouquets, and the backside is in soap.
11. I need other people and they need me too. Your life is not over. Now you, with your unspent affection, are also very much needed by someone. Just learn to live without pain because a person who is essentially a stranger left you. Come back to yourself. See how many people will be delighted! The completed relationship will serve as an experience for you, and you will be able to become even better - wiser, calmer.
Oleg Pytov, detective agency "Detective RU"
Home Hearth: Who turns to you more often - jealous wives or jealous husbands?
Oleg Pytov: Probably equally. It happens that fathers of families or just 20-year-old boys go in shoals. And it happens, on the contrary, that only women, and everyone complains about unlucky husbands. Many of my clients do not consider a husband's sex with another woman a betrayal. Well, he overslept once - it happens … But if he has been communicating with her for a long time, there are common interests, then already treason. Like on a spiritual level.
BEFORE: In the movies, we often come across scenes when a jealous wife suspects her husband of infidelity, but he actually learns to dance the tango or learns Chinese. Have you ever had similar cases in your practice?
OP: You won't believe it, but it happens in real life too! Let me tell you one case from practice. I was approached by a woman who had suspicions: for some reason, her husband began to linger at work and comes all the time tortured, as if he has such sex that all the strength is being sucked out of him. And it happens 2-3 times a week. It was decided to watch him for several days - in order to establish what was really happening. The woman was confident and tried to assure me that he had a stormy romance on the side. But usually I do not believe the words and intuition of a woman who begins to suspect her husband or friend of something only on the basis of conjecture and conjecture. The first 3 days did not give any result. The husband stayed late, but really in the office of a partner he solved work problems, after which he immediately went home. Having made a small digression, I’ll tell you that my client led an active lifestyle, played tennis well and even played in some championships at one time. And her friends were appropriate. But the husband was far from sports, although he looked smart.
So, on another regular day of delay after work, I found my husband at 22:00 at the Dynamo stadium, where he took tennis lessons! The spouses themselves lived in the Aeroport metro area, and the sports facility was not far from them. When I told this to my client, she was amazed and shocked. About six months later, she called me and said that she was pregnant and that she and her husband would soon have a daughter.
BEFORE: If a woman suspects her husband of infidelity and wants to do a little investigation herself, what would you advise?
OP: The most important thing is to record and analyze the hours of absence, phone calls, that is, to exercise control. But in any case, do not overdo it. Do not ask unnecessary questions, do not try to pester him for 2 hours with questions about why he came so late. If you feel something is wrong, try to restrain your emotions and not betray yourself in any way. It is necessary to collect as much information as possible about the behavior of a man. Maybe in just a week you will know everything. Many women, not even understanding the essence of the matter, begin to throw tantrums. By doing this, they only aggravate the situation, and the spouse is already beginning to behave more carefully. By showing a little patience and restraint, female cunning, you can learn a lot by asking questions in a conversation that are not relevant, but allowing you to get the right information. I think any woman can do it.
TO: How much does the private detective market cost?
OP: On average, the cost of checking spouses can cost from 30 thousand rubles to infinity. It all depends on the client's wallet.
BEFORE: Have there been cases when, as a result of “observations”, your clients decided to dissolve the marriage and invited you to court as a witness?
OP: I don't intrude on the privacy of spouses. It is their own business - to live together or not. Yes, and the courts do not perceive detectives as a source of information, especially in a divorce, the courts do not care who cheated on whom.
Much later, I realized that this is how the one I always imagined should look like. Everything happened easily and naturally, like breathing. No internal censor prevented me, so important was what was happening between us. He loved obsessively, he was blinded. I shone next to him and did not expect anything.
My family was stable and free, maybe that's why I calmly parted with my husband without drama and insults. He called me his, dreamed and made plans. He didn’t talk much about his family, and I didn’t ask. What for? I had no idea that we could live together. He is a dream man, and what is better than a dream? So time went on. He will stop by for an hour, kiss from head to toe, say so many good words that he will take your breath away. Never really helped me with anything. When I was sick, he was never there. Whatever happens: from a banal high temperature to a broken finger. I didn’t even dare to ask to meet or pick up from somewhere. He has so many things to do, and I can organize my own affairs. Not for this he me. I love him. I love him even now. Sometimes he did not appear for weeks - he waited.
She asked: “Let me know in advance if you can’t come on holidays, I will organize entertainment for myself and have a wonderful time.” No. It will make it to the last, and still it will leave on the New Year, on its birthday, March 8th. He always came, only when he wanted, I opened the door because I was waiting.
I am a self-sufficient person, just like they write in women's magazines. Of course, I listen if he feels bad or sad, but I'm a holiday woman, and I can't complain. I love people and do not regret anything for them.
One day, in the midst of complete well-being, she ended a relationship that lasted a year and a half. I just wrote: “You no longer have me. Thank you for everything". He replied: “Good luck. It’s a pity that I didn’t fall for the gap.” Let her remember better the way she was. You can't stoop to showdowns.
I guess I just realized that my love is in the wrong place. And his love is in the wrong place. Where he was in a hurry - a family, a child, and you can't be late. He was never there when it was hard.
Please: “Stay fifteen minutes. Talk to me". And he: “You are holding me up, letting me down. I need to go home immediately." He still made me get up and see him off. I closed the door and… closed this story.
Case from the practice of Natalia Tolstaya
I have been married for eight years, my relationship with my wife is friendly, we work in the same field, so there is always something to talk about. I help her in her work in everything, she respects my professionalism and, most likely, loves like a mother. A wonderful six-year-old son, a cat and a turtle. Anna knows that I have had a woman for a year now, and we seem to have gone through all the circles of hell. There was everything: threats to commit suicide, and tearful conversations all night long, and drunken antics on her part.
Picks things up for me only in words: in the morning she is again cheerful and friendly. "Everything will be fine!" And goes to work. I said that I love Irina, that I cannot live without her. There was blackmail that I would never see the child, screams that dad did not love us. Sorry baby. I'm not going to forget him, quite the contrary. My son used to see me much less often than now. I can see that he understands everything, although he is small.
I've been postponing the decision to break up for more than five months, I want to get used to the idea that we will not be together, but for some reason she regards my troubles with her son as a hope that everything will work out. I can not make love to her, although sometimes I do it with great pleasure. I do not know why. I regret sometimes, but on this basis we have had a problem for a long time. She somehow doesn’t really need it, but I thought that the relationship on the side is a hobby, like everyone else, you know? I thought that this family is not a hindrance. Everything else is set like clockwork.
The wife's eternal screams and nagging from smoking to the products that I brought have become habitual and have ceased to offend. Relationships with parents are wonderful. We are people with the same education, values, aspirations, ideals. Country house, cool apartment, everyone has a car. Deniska goes to a good kindergarten.
When Irina appeared in my life, I realized that this is a very valuable person for me. Anna claims that I am betraying a child, but am I not betraying love if I myself am not at home, if I am eager to see the desired woman for at least ten minutes. The choice is a child or Irina. My throwing tired me too, but I really can’t decide. Anna has proved her loy alty to me over the years. Everything was. She will follow me into fire and water, she will never leave me in trouble. Mobilized. I don't know how Irina will behave. The child is sick all the time, I spend more time with him, because the offended Anna tells him how bad I am. The son loves me. Heart breaking.
Destroyed two women. Both are crying. Got himself out. We have already lived apart for several days, but I will return and cannot leave. Here, each book is reminiscent of a previous life. I'm used to it here, but not comfortable, I'm unhappy here.
I'm absolutely happy there, but the girl doesn't look like my wife at all. Independent, lively, cheerful, young. I'm jealous when I go to have fun with friends. What will I tell her? Sit and wait? It is not known whether I will leave the family or not. And she won't sit. Lives happily, but vainly. I also feel uncomfortable there from the number of people, loud noises, and she also has a child of the same age as mine, a completely wonderful baby. It also needs an approach. Irina does not depend on me at all. Not at work, not financially. She just loves and I love her. There are, of course, clarification of relations with her, but rather through my fault. "Grinding" without promises.
I'm having a hard time right now - job change. I will leave everything to my family. I'm nervous how Irina will react to the fact that everything will have to be made and built anew.”
How to understand that he is cheating on you?
There are a number of signs in a man's behavior that should make you wary.
• He is often late at work. Doesn't explain where he was.
• On weekends he has things to do for several hours.
• Washing the car more often.
• Goes into another room to talk on the phone. Answers briefly, calling the interlocutor Semyon Petrovich.
• Tired during sex, sometimes restless in bed.
• The family budget is suffering from his expenses lately, he buys a lot of clothes.
• He started paying more attention to his appearance than usual.
• Encourages your trips (especially long trips and to visit relatives), approves your ideas to enroll in courses of anything.
• Started buying you more gifts.
• Mood changes often. From euphoria to deep irritation.
• Increased interest in your image and personal care. There is his attempt to bring your image to a certain ideal (listen to him - your opponent has it all).
• Hobbies that were completely uncharacteristic of him before this were indicated: books, hobbies
• Sets the mobile phone to silent mode.
• For no apparent reason, I began to visit the sports club after work.
• There is a condom in the pants pocket. Gad! But thanks for that too!
• He smells of another woman (body or perfume), hair on his jacket, threads from a sweater.
• Doesn't take you to parties.
• Unusually early meetings started (7-8 am)
• Accounts or housing found that you didn't know about.
• Surprisingly nimble at trying out a sexy novelty with you. Already tried?