Relationships with girlfriends

Relationships with girlfriends
Relationships with girlfriends
Anonim

We are changing, and so are our relationships with our girlfriends. Does this mean the friendship is over?

Relationships with girlfriends

Over time, we change, and our relationships with girlfriends change in the same way. With someone we become closer, and with someone we see each other a couple of times a year and hardly find topics for conversation. Does this mean the friendship is over?

Andrey and I have tickets to the theater today, starting in two hours! And my mom just said she was sick and couldn't take care of the kids. Please, can I drop Lena and Lisa over to you on the way to the theatre? I understand that all this is not on time, but what should I do! - My friend Karina turned to me with such a request. Her voice on the phone was so plaintive that I just couldn't find the strength to refuse. Although, probably, it should have been done: my husband was on a business trip, my throat was starting to hurt, and I really wanted to go to bed early that day, and not watch how four children were jumping around the apartment - my two and two Karinins. But two tickets cost almost 10 thousand rubles, and I know that Karina really rarely manages to go to the theater. However, like any working mother of two children.

"Okay, bring them to our house," I agreed. "You are a true friend! Karina was overjoyed. - Can they sleep over at your place, huh? Will Andrei pick them up tomorrow morning and take them to school?”

There was nowhere to retreat, and I agreed. Do I need to say that in the morning Andrei was stuck in a traffic jam and I had to first take my children to school and kindergarten, and then also take Karina's girls? This was probably the first serious blow to our friendship, when I thought: do I need this relationship?

The second blow came a few months later. We invited Karina with her husband and children to our place for dinner. They arrived an hour and a half later (they didn’t answer our phone calls), and when they did appear, Karina waved a small bag in front of my nose: “Can I fry a piece of chicken for Lenochka? She doesn't like the way you cook.”

And finally, the final blow. In the winter holidays, we were going to go ice skating with the children. We discussed the time and day for a long time, in the end we agreed. We promised the girls that after the ice rink we would go to a cafe to drink hot chocolate and eat pies. The children counted the days until this trip. Now imagine that on the appointed day we call for Karina, and her mother opens the door. It turns out that my friend made an appointment with Lisa to see a doctor, which is very difficult to get to, and left for an appointment. I understand everything, the he alth of children is very important. But why didn't she even call me to warn me?

All day I was restless, and in the evening, when I told this story to my husband in tears, he reasonably said: “It's time to stop this, don't you yourself understand?” Yes, if you think Kareena took the time to call me and apologize, then you know she didn't.

I thought for a long time whether my husband was right. By what signs can you understand that friendship is in the past and you should not waste your time and nerves on relationships that no one needs?

When something truly terrible happens, these questions don't arise. If a friend slept with your husband or borrowed a lot of money from you and said she would never give it back, you will not think about whether to continue the relationship. But if she takes five hundred rubles from you from time to time and never returns? Or forgets to warn that the trip to the skating rink is canceled, does this mean that the friendship is over? Consider these typical situations.

Disappearing Girlfriend

You once studied together at the institute and were closer than sisters. The two of you prepared for exams, knew everything about each other's hobbies, quarreled over fans, talked on the phone until dawn and got into such troubles that now it’s even scary to remember them. After college, you got married, and your girlfriend is still looking for her soulmate. You have children whom you love very much, and she loves to travel and changes men like gloves. At 30, you and her became completely different people. And when you meet once every few months, the dialogue does not work. One of you talks about your life, and the other listens without any interest. Should we talk about friendship here?

Suffering friend

She has a terrible boss and terrible colleagues. Her mother has been harassing her since childhood. She is in a constant showdown with her husband, and her children are endlessly ill with the most terrible diseases imaginable. And at first you listen to all her complaints about life and even give advice, because you are not a beast and sympathize with your friend! Maybe you even try to help her and offer ways out of confusing situations. But over time, it becomes clear that she does not need exits, as well as your practical help. And after another phone conversation, you feel as if you just donated two liters of blood as a donation. Do you need such a girlfriend?

Scattered girlfriend

Your child calls from the cinema: “Mom, the movie is over, but Mom's Car didn't come for us. She says that we should walk around the shopping center for now, and she will arrive in an hour, she mixed up the time. You drop everything and go to pick up the kids from the cinema. How many times have you already rescheduled meetings with a friend or rescued her at the last moment, because she "mixed the time" or "completely forgot" about something very important? And if every time you turn out to be less important than the circumstances that she “completely forgot”, does this mean that it’s time for you to forget about her?

Ideal girlfriend

If you and your families decide to have sandwiches in the nearest park, then she brings with her a complex salad of a dozen ingredients and canapes decorated with curly pieces of colorful vegetables, as well as disposable dishes and napkins to match. And you look rather pale with your quick-made sandwiches. When you manage to find a good summer camp for children with English classes, she is very happy for you. But then she says that her son will go to a camp by the sea, where there are equestrian sports and a cable car, and certified psychologists work with each child on the ability to interact with others and solve all issues together. If the school arranges a class hour for girls, where mothers and daughters must make a holiday card, your friend not only produces a real masterpiece in 15 minutes, but also saves your crooked craft. She wins over and over again in competitions in which you were not even going to participate. How does it work?

Amazing girlfriend

You have only known each other for a few months, but you are already looking forward to each new meeting, because amazing stories constantly happen to your new girlfriend. She is saved from death by amazing strangers, she is courted by a real oligarch, her child is a child prodigy, and she is now enrolling him in a school for gifted children, her husband is about to earn a million … You listen to all this with your mouth open. But do you really believe all this?

Virtual Girlfriend

You consider her your closest friend, you are ready to trust her with any secret and you know that she will not let you down in a difficult situation. But lately, each of you has been so busy with children, work and family that you meet very rarely. And if you think about it, it turns out that over the past year you have seen each other once or twice. The maximum that you have enough time for is short messages on social networks. And if you are to be frank to the end, then you can’t trust her secrets either: there’s no time … So are you really still friends?

If you notice that communication with your girlfriend began to appear difficult,know: this is the best time to reconsider your relationship. And also to realize what place this friendship occupies in your life now - not after college and not when your children went to the same kindergarten, but today. Is this relationship worth the time and effort you put into it? And are you really investing as much in them as you think?

If you need girlfriends and the support they can give you, it's best to create a small group of friends, psychologists advise. At the same time, you will get along with someone the closest, with someone you will just be on good friendly terms. The upsides here are obvious: when you keep in touch with several girlfriends at once, you treat them easier and do not demand too much.

Imagine: if your only close friend finally has a personal life and got married, she is unlikely to have much time for you. This could turn into a real tragedy. But, if you have several girlfriends, you will not find yourself in an emotional vacuum, you will be able to soberly assess the situation and understand your girlfriend in a human way. And in fact, if she finally found the man of her dreams, it is not surprising that she does not notice anyone else around. In other words, if you count on one friend to give you everything you need in communication, you are likely to be disappointed in her.If you do not put anyone on a pedestal, then there is no risk of disappointment.

The second point that psychologists pay attention to: not everything is worth discussing with a girlfriend. You may think that you have not become so close because you do not tell each other everything down to the last detail, like at school. But in fact, you just matured, became wiser and realized that there are issues that should not be discussed even with a close friend.

Friendships are instantly affected by lifestyle changes. If one of the friends gets married, has a baby, moves to a more responsible job or gets divorced, this immediately affects the relationship. And another sign of a wise attitude to life lies precisely in the fact that a certain pause in a relationship does not become a collapse for you. After all, you understand that there are objective reasons for a break and they have nothing to do with personal attachments.

Moreover, even if something really unpleasant happened in a relationship with a girlfriend, do not rush to break it off. Even if she cannot find a common language with your husband and does not understand how you can give up a career for the sake of children, do not write angry letters and do not say harsh words. Over time, your girlfriend will also get married and become a mother, and then you can understand each other and become closer than ever.

If, after analyzing your relationship with a friend, you realize that you are no longer ready to put up with the negative aspects of her character, try to change something. But do not try to remake a friend, this is a road to nowhere. The best thing to do is to change your perspective on the relationship itself. For example, you know that with your absent-minded girlfriend it’s a lot of fun on holidays and birthdays, and in responsible matters she can let you down. So give up important things together, but continue to celebrate birthdays together. And the ideal girlfriend should be brought in just when you need help with important issues: she will take it very seriously and will do everything in her power.

Whatever men say, friendship is very important for women. It gives us the necessary psychological support and comfort. Indeed, true friends are known in trouble, but it happens that true friends are so reliable that they do not allow even greater trouble.

Two years ago, when I was in the hospital for a few days, my friends, whom I rarely see because of lack of time, organized an "evening club". They took turns bringing dinner for my husband and children in the evening, thanks to which they did not have to eat convenience foods all this time. And all this was started by the same Karina, who so irresponsibly went to the doctor when we were going to the skating rink, and threw her children to me for the whole night.

Here is the most valuable piece of advice that psychologists have spoken to me about while preparing this article: Our anger needs an outlet. And it makes no sense to take out your anger on those who fell under your hot hand. It makes no sense to complain to third parties about the one who offended you: “No, can you imagine what she did ?!” It is much more constructive to talk and find out the relationship with those who caused negative emotions.

It's been three months since Karina went to the doctor instead of skating. We called her several times, but never talked about what happened that day. I did not tell how upset my daughters were and how I myself was beside myself with anger. Or maybe it's worth it? I picked up the phone and called Karina.

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