Raising a child on your own is not easy. If it so happened that you went on a solo voyage, try to avoid these mistakes.
1. You do not allow yourself to be weak
"I can do everything myself" - a worthy, but dangerous position. Since it so happened that you are now the only adult who is always “on duty”, one day this may end in psychological burnout and a nervous breakdown. Remember the rule “First put on the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the child” - and act. Feel free to ask friends for help: sometimes a simple conversation becomes a good support. Evaluate your resources: it may be worth delegating some responsibility to the father of the child, involving grandparents (on both sides), or hiring a nanny.
Moms say:
Tatiana Murzina: "I can do it myself" was my credo for several years. I know how to include a superhero in me and get from this strange, but satisfaction. Apparently, that's why I sometimes flirt. Gradually I began to learn to ask for help.”
Elena Andreeva: “When you work and have two children who are sick, study, want a million different things, to be honest, there is simply no time to think about what you you can be weak. I thought like this: "When there is a person who can be trusted, then I will relax." That is exactly what happened later.”
Olga Semenova: “You have to do a lot yourself. But more often my question was not about refusing help, but about the fact that there was nowhere to get it from. For example, I had to get up very early, take the child to a kindergarten 30 km away, and after work, rush to pick it up.”
Anna Kachurovskaya: “I have two children, and when we were three, it seemed that nothing would change - after all, there is a nanny, there is strength, work and money. But it didn't help. It was very, very difficult to raise children without a second adult. Especially emotionally. The fact is that in our society, where every second family is incomplete, there is no respect and sympathy for a woman with children. Everyone thinks: "The usual story, she has a nanny, which she complains about." Therefore, we must learn to feel sorry for ourselves, but not too much, so as not to lie face to the wall. I have two rules: firstly, take care of yourself, this is the same oxygen mask, and secondly, remember that it doesn’t matter at all whether you have the strength or not - you have to get up and go to school or where you have to go "".
2. You decided to focus only on the child
Or maybe dedicate your whole life to it - although you don't say it out loud, of course. Firstly, it is fraught with problems in the future: being the center of the universe for someone and the only reason to live is an unbearable burden even for an adult, not to mention a child. Secondly, where is the guarantee that after many years you will not tell your son or daughter something like: “I gave you everything, and you…”?
Moms say:
Tatiana: “Until my son went to the second grade, it was like that: work, home, all the time with his son. I didn’t understand: after all, if I can do everything, then why does everything get a little bit, but worse? Determined to change everything. I felt that this path was wrong, and together with the psychologist, another one was found.”
Olga: “Honestly, I always considered this position stupid and short-sighted, so I did not suffer from such nonsense. It is known that happy children grow up with happy mothers. Another thing is "the two of us feel good", I don't see anything wrong with that. Yes, I worked very hard, got into debt, got out as best I could. But she did not sacrifice her life to the child.”
3. Feeling guilty
For example, for ruining a child's life - after all, because of your decision to divorce, he grows up in an incomplete family, and this, of course, will negatively affect his psyche, development and fate. Or for the fact that communication with dad is now taking place according to a difficult schedule. Or because you are looking for a new relationship because you want to be happy again. But the feeling of guilt is a bad helper in education, and the child will quickly understand how easy it is to manipulate a guilty mother.
Moms say:
Tatiana: “It is impossible to catch and turn off the feeling of guilt in time. I constantly think that I ruined, and continue to ruin my son's life. I didn’t do homework with him, didn’t watch a movie together, didn’t read, didn’t hug.”
Elena: “I was tormented by the thought that for the sake of children it is necessary not only to live with their father, but also to pretend that everything is fine with us.”
Olga: “Yes, the feeling of guilt, unfortunately, remains. Even if the decision to divorce was not yours. It seemed to me that my mistakes ruined my daughter's life. After all, I married the wrong person, behaved incorrectly during a divorce, and so on. Other children spend time with mom and dad, and my daughter and I go everywhere together…”
Anna: “Only mothers who are not at all reflective do not feel guilty: I didn’t have time here, I didn’t read it there. Those who live with a second adult also have a sense of guilt. I decided for myself that there are things that I can not influence. For example, I do not have time to read to my children every day before going to bed. I also scream when my patience runs out. Surely they will have claims against me in adolescence. I can't change it, they will grow up and they will solve these issues with a psychoanalyst.”
4. You make the child the main friend and partner
You are alone, and it seems to you that your son or daughter is old enough to understand you. You discuss your emotions and problems with your child on an equal footing - including financial ones, share worries and fears with him. In fact, you turn him into a "deputy" of your partner. But in order for the world to remain stable and safe for the child, the roles in it must be clearly and precisely distributed: there are adults, there are children.
Moms say:
Tatiana: “When my son grew up, I certainly had to answer his questions truthfully, like why we can’t afford a new car, movie popcorn and other things available to his friends and classmates. One winter we went to the cinema early in the morning - tickets are cheaper. It was dark, Stepan did not understand at first why I was waking him up so early, he asked - do we have a plane? We got to the cinema, bought tickets for change from Styopa's piggy bank and were the only spectators in the hall. The son felt it and understands now that not everything needs to be bought.”
Olga: “I know some people do this, especially when the kids are pretty big. I escaped such a fate, our life together with my daughter lasted from her birth until she was 8 years old. I have never been tempted to share problems with a little girl who has a lot of her own, including he alth.”
Anna: “There are children, there are adults, but we live one life. These are my children, we discuss their problems, I talk about mine from the top. Otherwise, what kind of family are we?”
5. You avoid the question "Where's my dad?"
Or you react very emotionally to it. The more secrecy, the sooner the child will feel your tension, confusion, or the pain and resentment that has not yet subsided from parting. Are you worried about what your son or daughter will do in kindergarten or school when the question of dad comes up? Yes, nothing special, today the situation “parents live separately” is absolutely commonplace. Avoid questions! It’s enough for a kid to say: “Dad has his own house” or “Dad doesn’t live with us now.”
With a child over 7 years old, you can already talk about this topic in more detail: maybe you were married, but then decided to go your own way, or you never lived with dad at all. Clarify that you both love the child, it's just how life happened. The more calmly you yourself relate to the situation, the more naturally the child will perceive it. Families are very different: a man and a woman without children, mother, father and children, father, children and grandmother, mother and children. The two of you are a family, small but complete.
Moms say:
Tatiana: “I always honestly explained and explain, dad lives separately, because our - mine and his - story is over. And to the son’s question, “Why did it start then?” - answered: "To make you - and it worked out very well with your dad."
Olga: “My daughter's dad lived apart almost from the very beginning of her life, and the situation when she meets with dad on Sundays was familiar to her. Questions began much later, at the age of 9-10.”
6. You speak negatively about the father of the child
The fact that you broke up (and why you did it) is exclusively your adult business, and there is no need for the child to know who offended whom and how. The more constructive and friendly your communication with your ex-spouse is, the calmer and more prosperous your children's life will be. So bury the hatchet, never sort things out in the presence of a child, and try, firstly, to agree, and, secondly, to discuss all the terrible qualities of a father with friends, and preferably with a psychologist. And the child will grow up - and he will understand everything, rest assured.
Moms say:
Tatiana: “I always ask my son to call, write to dad, invite me to visit. I tell him how he looks like his dad in some way. In short, only good things about dad.”
Elena: “Families are different for everyone, here we have a “small but very complete family,” I tell my son when he doesn’t want to have dinner with me, but wants to run away to your room. It is difficult for any offended woman to show such generosity, so as not to betray her offense with her tone or look when communicating with a child on this topic. I think the way out is to give out the maximum good that you can tell him about dad during calm periods of life and communication.
7. You give up your privacy
How can you do anything other than educate, because now your life belongs to a child? Sometimes grandmothers also add fuel to the fire, evaluating your maternal qualities as a C grade and regularly directing you, unlucky, to be true. But in order to have enough energy, it is important to restore it in time (and have sources for recovery). So work at a job you love, meet friends, play sports and hobbies, and the more satisfied you feel in life, the more strength you will have to love a child.
Moms say:
Elena: “It's funny when a single mom goes dancing instead of running home after work to see her baby's face while he's still awake. I sincerely resent this advice!”
Olga: “I did not give up my personal life, I had and have wonderful friends. When my daughter was a year old, I started ballroom dancing and gave this occupation a few wonderful years. Another thing - I was more attentive to who and how I communicate. The child sometimes makes you see from the outside what you are doing and who is next to you.”
8. You avoid communication with "full" families
Perhaps because you are afraid of feeling sad or awkward, or because the child will feel uncomfortable. But do not think that now you should be friends exclusively with "comrades in misfortune." On the contrary, a wide circle of communication will increase the boundaries of your world and give the child the opportunity to see a variety of behaviors. The more calmly you yourself perceive the existence of your small family as the norm, the less doubts will arise in the child.
Moms say:
Olga: “Yes, it was really painful sometimes. Of course, we talked with friends, but when I saw how my daughter looked at dads playing with children, it hurt me.”
9. Are you in a hurry to start a family again
After all, you urgently need a new husband, and the children need a new dad. And this time you will not repeat the mistakes made earlier - everything will be different! Psychologists are sure: if you hurry, it will definitely not be “different”, and for a child, a series of “mother's friends” can only become another trauma. And, on the contrary, if you allow yourself to live without relationships for some time, the chance to build new, more successful ones is much higher. By giving yourself enough time, you will better understand your wants and needs, what kind of relationships you need and what you yourself are willing to invest in them. Yes, the criteria for choosing a life partner will now be different, more stringent: it is important that your chosen one can find a common language with the child. But that will be a completely different story.
Moms say:
Tatiana: “No one is safe from mistakes. I am not in a hurry with the search, and in general, as it turned out, my haste does not speed up any of my processes. Of course, I would be happy to meet my man: partner, father to son, my love. Even if it happens very late, I hope he will find contact with my already big son and maybe he will not be against adoption.”
Elena: “Mom and baby are better off when mom is happy. I do not understand happiness from conscious loneliness. You need to look for a husband, put it in your plan, but not intrusively, but reasonably and thoughtfully. Thinking that everyone should feel good about it.”
Olga: “You definitely need to live single. The second time I got married eight years later, and it was a decision based, among other things, on the choice of my daughter. I didn't want to get married as soon as possible after the divorce. On the contrary, in the early years I re-learned to flirt, go on dates. At some point, I completely abandoned the idea of a new marriage, but then life decided everything for me.”