Unfortunately, no one teaches us how to behave in marriage so that it succeeds, and how to become a good partner for a long married life. It was the lessons of family therapy that saved the marriage of our heroine. And she shared these lessons with us.
- You don't come to a reasonable decision when you're angry
- Do something proactive when discussing difficult issues
- Don't try to figure out who works the most in a marriage
- Come up with a project together
- Try to get rid of guilt
- Talk about what makes you want to have sex
- Each of you should put the other first.
- You must be hard on yourself to save your marriage.
At a moment when emotions dictate us, our brain needs more time to make the right decision about what and how to say. Our psychotherapist recommended that in case of a quarrel, do not answer immediately, but say: “I need a break. I'll be back in 20 minutes" and just leave the room to walk down the street and calm down. When you meet after the specified time, both of you will be better able to handle the difficult conversation.
Walking and hiking together is very helpful when difficult or emotional issues need to be discussed. Why? Because walking together feels like a shared path to a goal, which keeps us from emotional dead ends and encourages moving forward. When times were tough in our marriage, Ivan and I would often take long walks to discuss things. We believe these trips have brought us closer together again.
I was a housewife raising two sons, they were very active kids, and during this period our relationship with Ivan began to deteriorate. My husband was out of the house for 16 hours making a living for our family. And I'm alone with the kids. It was hard for both of us and everyone felt unappreciated. One of our main fights was about who works harder and who deserves more time off. But the therapist put a quick end to our battles. He said, “Never discuss it. This is not a topic for discussion. You both work hard, each in your own way. This conversation will lead you to a dead end and will not help you in any way.”
Plant a garden, take apart a closet, paint the walls - do anything you can both be proud of. There is something especially unifying about working together for the benefit of the family.
Guilt is an incentive for many harmful things in a marriage. Most of us have harbored feelings of guilt since childhood, or are ashamed of some mistake we made in our marriage that we regret. Guilt often leads to anger, and misplaced anger can destroy a marriage. Talk together about where your guilt comes from and how to overcome it. This is best done with the help of a family therapist - this conversation has tremendous potential to heal you and strengthen your relationship.
Be honest about what makes you feel good and playful. Perhaps this is the time you spend alone, away from the children? Or does the desire come from looking at sexy photos and reading sexy stories? Or when you do something together? Identify the factors that cause your sexual desire. More tips from couples with vibrant sex lives.
It seems so obvious, but not everyone actually thinks about it. And that was the most important thing the family therapist taught us. Your partner is your family and should be your number one priority. This means that your marriage should be more important to you than friendship, work, and your petty desires. This does not mean that you have to give up all the things that are meaningful to you and lose your individuality. Just try to always remember your husband.
Sometimes you have to treat yourself like a good but strict parent treats his child. Our therapist gently urged me to be honest with myself about my priorities, especially talking to my husband when I was upset about something. That I need to honestly admit to myself what is the cause of my own problems. Ivan had to do the same, and the result was our healing. That was not easy. We shed a lot of tears, and we had to change a lot in our behavior. But if we weren't hard on ourselves, we wouldn't have saved our marriage. Thanks to the therapist and our hard work together, we are together. And we hope that our experience will help someone.