In the modern world, most often women and men work on an equal footing. However, many have not said goodbye to the outdated family model. Psychologist of the Financial He alth project Marina Klyashtornaya told how to build a truly equal marriage and live in harmony and mutual respect.
Life is not slavery
The household is often a sore spot for families: for the husband because it is difficult for many men to get rid of the attitude that this is a woman's business, for the wife because she feels like a victim who has been dumped all the work. First of all, you need to get rid of these negative attitudes. Housekeeping is not hard labor, but a part of life. If you have a home, you have these responsibilities, whether or not you are married. With proper distribution of household chores, which is achieved in the process of open discussion, household chores will take very little time, and maybe even begin to bring pleasure.
You need to get rid of the inner feeling of a victim of family responsibilities - and from this position, talk to your husband if he does not take part in household chores. How to maintain harmony in a family where the husband is the breadwinner.
It is necessary to fight with hidden grievances. It is difficult to have a conversation peacefully and without negative emotions if it is not reason and goodwill that speaks in you, but negative emotions. Such conversations inevitably turn into conflict. Therefore, before discussing any domestic issues with your husband, work on yourself a little - forbid old grievances to interfere with your conversation. You should not make a complaint, but explain how you can do better for your family.
Let's remember how we usually have family conversations. It all starts with claims spiced with irritation and resentment. “How annoying the mess is, it’s impossible to find anything!” Then come the demands, of course, no less emotionally decorated: “Will you ever get out or not ?!” Judge for yourself how you want to react when such a fury swoops down on you and immediately hits you backhand? Of course, the husband begins to defend himself. Most often, this is either a retaliatory attack - mutual claims, or flight - the husband simply turns off and does not respond to either emotions or requests.
The key to he althy communication is a friendly approach. Don't forget to praise your spouse. It can't be that he did absolutely everything badly. In any case, there is something for which you can be grateful to him, for which you appreciate him - and he needs to be reminded of this.
So, you have already silenced old grievances, tuned in a positive way and are ready to talk with your loved one about the distribution, for example, of household chores. How to build a dialogue?
Start with a constructive suggestion or a gentle request; explain what causes you discomfort, does not suit you in the current situation. It is important that it be a calm, intelligible explanation, supported by facts and arguments, and not just claims like “you, such and such, never help me”; Tell him about the feelings that this situation causes in you, and how fulfilling the request from the first paragraph will affect them.
Here's an example of a he althy conversation starter: I really ask you to clean up the room, because when it's a mess, I feel very uncomfortable at home, I get annoyed with you, I have to yell. It's like that (and here you can compare the situation with something that irritates the husband). So, I don't want to get annoyed and swear with you. All this must be said with a positive, friendly tone, it’s good to add a humorous note. The interlocutor should feel not pressure, but warmth, readiness to understand his position. Then he will not have a desire to resist, he will want to meet you halfway.
These rules apply to conversations on any topic. Household duties, raising children, money - all this should be discussed kindly, with an understanding of the spouse's position, without offense, getting rid of the feeling of a victim.
Lost in translation
If you decide to start communicating normally with your husband and overcome all previous conflicts, first of all you need to understand that this is your decision and you will be the engine of the process. Don't be intimidated - basically, you'll just have to be a little patient and wait for your husband to catch your wave.
In such a situation, it is especially important to learn to take care of yourself and your speech. Do not reduce conversations to manipulation, do not make your husband feel guilty. Understand yourself first - why did you choose this man? What is important to you in a relationship? You will find that many of your claims are not at all substantiated, rather, they appear simply from the desire to present something to your husband - this is what the hidden grievances speak in you.
Three family whales
An equal family is not just equal earnings for both partners, it is mutual respect for each other, for the work of your spouse both at work and at home, these are common interests and cultural values. If a husband believes that everything should lie on the shoulders of a woman, this is not a commonality of values, this is a difference in ideas about life, which you will have to constantly face and invent certain “mechanisms” for influencing your husband. The main thing is not to become a victim, but to look for ways to solve problems. For example, if you can't agree on household chores, you can split the cleaning, babysitting, and dishwasher.
Remember that the family rests on three pillars:
- Emotional intimacy and attraction
- Shared cultural values (traveling together, filming, playing sports)
- Common family project (what kind of family each of the spouses wants. If he dreams of a housewife wife and five children, and you want to build a career and only one child, you will have to somehow compromise. If your models families coincide, it will be much easier to get along)
If you are united on these points, you will definitely be able to conduct constructive dialogues and find the right solutions to everyday problems.
For more information visit the Financial He alth project website