Elena was a victim of domestic violence, but was able to cope with a terrible situation. We publish her story not to savor the gruesome details of this tragedy. It just can happen to any of us. WITH EVERYONE. Your colleague, girlfriend, sister or daughter can become a victim. And this is important, it is very important that you know and do not doubt for a second: there is always a way out.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE VICTIMS
ELENA
all names have been changed
"We met in April. At that time, I had just landed my first job in the personnel department, and he just came to take shape. He was wearing a stupid scarf, he was making funny jokes, and I was terribly nervous and kept dropping my pen. Finally, I gave him a list of documents and a questionnaire, and he invited me to a cafe. I agreed.
He really looked after me very beautifully - gave flowers, took me to restaurants, there was no hint of sex or kisses, and I thought, God, how lucky I am. Smart, intelligent, not vulgar and not greedy. We could wander around the park for hours. Just like that - they went to nowhere embracing. It was so good and simple with him that I was sure that the puzzle was formed: I met my true love. Happiness burst me from the inside: I told all my friends and family about Oleg, I showed off the cute gifts that he gave me, admired his sensitivity, the ability to guess my mood, call exactly at the moment when my hand reached for the phone to dial his number. Everything was perfect.
The first bells appeared a month later, when he talked about his life before meeting me and casually mentioned his ex-wife. In fact, there is nothing wrong with the fact that a person had an unsuccessful marriage, and I did not understand why he did not immediately tell me, because we (I was sure) completely trusted each other. At least he knew my ins and outs in detail. A little later, just as accidentally, it turned out that he had not only an ex-wife, but also a daughter. I was dumbfounded, but he explained that he had not raised the topic before, because it was too painful: his wife left him, went to another city, got married there and deprived him of any opportunity to communicate with the child. I felt terribly ashamed. I felt guilty for messing up his soul and forcing him to remember things that hurt.
Alas, in those days I lived quite modestly. The salary is small, and there is no one to rely on except for yourself: my father did not work for he alth reasons - he has a weak heart, and we did not have a relationship with my mother, and she clearly made it clear to me what to count on her support, especially financial, I shouldn't. Oleg, as soon as I touched on this topic, immediately offered to move in with him. Moreover, he assured me that he takes care of all material issues, and what I will do with my salary is my business alone. His generosity once again blinded my eyes. The next day I moved in with him. And the first two months were just a fairy tale.
Slowly, imperceptibly, Oleg began to express dissatisfaction. That is not clean enough, the food is not good. He did it correctly, but more and more often, and I began to get the feeling that I was a bad housewife. I did not go well at work: the promised promotion did not take place, instead of me it was received by the niece of the head of the department, and I had the imprudence to complain to Oleg about this injustice. He doused me like a tub of cold water. He said that if I were a good worker, no nieces would jump me, and in general, everyone around me is always to blame, but meanwhile it would be worth looking in the mirror more often. And I chose the wrong time for this conversation: he was tired, and I climbed to him with my nonsense. I cried, and he said that my manipulations got him and slammed the door.
And I, gradually calming down, decided that I myself was to blame for our quarrel: after all, I promised myself that I would be loving and caring, but instead I stuck to a tired person with whining. Stupid! When he returned three hours later, I asked for forgiveness, and he forgave me.
Fickering and remarks Oleg began to make me more and more often. I went out of my way to ensure that dinner was on time for his return, learned how to cook his favorite dishes, kept the house clean, like in an operating room, having time to run in from work and put things in order before he arrived. But he was always dissatisfied: I look bad, I’m dressed in God knows what, I’ve gained weight, I’ve had a bad haircut, I go home without makeup … Resentment grew in me.
After six months, I felt that our relationship had finally reached an impasse, and perhaps we should temporarily part ways to think things over. I was seriously afraid that I would break loose and ruin everything forever. I even agreed with a friend that I would stay with her for a month. I didn’t tell her the whole truth, I came up with some plausible reason. But when I voiced my thoughts to Oleg … not having time to finish, I received a savory slap in the face and a threat to kill me in general for such conversations. Then he asked for forgiveness and begged not to leave. He said that he lost control of himself because of the fear of losing me. He also said that he was wrong and had no idea that I took his humorous remarks so seriously. And I believed.
Things went wrong after that day.
Once Oleg saw a message on my phone from an old acquaintance with a proposal to meet. (The acquaintance was very old, I never had anything with him and could not have). Then he beat me a second time. Of course, then he again asked for forgiveness and said that he was afraid of my leaving, that he was jealous, because he loved me more than life. In all our quarrels, he always blamed me. I smiled too frankly at his friend at a meeting, too nice with colleagues, I talk on the phone too long, I don’t pick up the phone too often. Several times I thought - that's it, I can't do it anymore! I wanted to call my dad, tell him everything, but then I thought it would kill him. And I decided that I can handle it myself. I also didn’t say anything to my friends, I was ashamed after I buzzed everyone’s ears about what a wonderful, loving man I have, a prince on a white horse, no less. After that, how can you admit that the prince beats you for any reason, and in the morning you cover up bruises with foundation so that your colleagues do not guess anything? At work, I always went with a smile, and a sincere one: I knew that there he would not be able to beat me. That I'm safe.
If I went out alone, terrible jealousy, calls, hassle began, so it was easier to stay at home. My friends called less and less, they stopped inviting me to meetings, because they knew that I would refuse. I was constantly afraid of angering him and falling under a hot hand.
At the end of winter, I found out that I was pregnant and, oddly enough, I was delighted. I decided that the black stripe was over: Oleg would no longer be jealous, because I was expecting a child from him! We'll set up the nursery together, buy funny little things, and no more fights, not to mention beatings. Of course, it wasn't like that. Oleg seemed to be happy with the news, but neither jealousy nor quarrels went anywhere. I closed myself more and more, tried once again not to catch the eye, if only he would not do anything to me and the baby.
And once, I was on the 6th month, the head of the department asked me to stay at work - before the decree, I had a lot to do.
I lost consciousness and woke up already in the ward.
Dimochka was born dead.
2 weeks I was in the hospital, I did not say anything to anyone. Only my boss knew about what had happened, and he helped me escape. I had to tell him everything, I couldn't do it alone.
A few days before I was discharged, I called Oleg to find out when I could pick up my things, to which I received the answer: “I went to …, whore.”
I was lucky: when I came for things, he was not at home. Like a thief, I left something in a suitcase, not even thinking that I would forget something, just - rather, and went to my friend. Only then did I tell her everything. We cried together, she blamed me for being silent for so long, I felt unbearably bad, unbearably painful, but - I felt better. I felt that I was alive.
He called, threatened. I changed my phone number, messages began to pour in the social network. But I already had support, I was not alone. The head of the department helped me find a new job: I could not return to the old team. And in the new place, no one knew me, there was no need to explain anything. The bruises and abrasions healed, and I was just new, just Lena. It was a huge relief. Of course, my colleagues were curious about whether I had a husband, a family, but I said that I had recently experienced a painful breakup (and I didn’t lie!) And they left me behind on this issue.
And a year later I met my future husband. He knows everything, and did an incredible amount so that I could trust a man again. We have been together for five years and have a four year old son.
You can get out and live on. Live a normal life. And the sooner you break out of this prison, the sooner the nightmare will be forgotten.”
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: WHAT TO DO?
TAMARA DOROKHOVA
PhD, psychotherapist
"When you find out about the problem of domestic violence, you ask yourself: "Why did she endure it for so long? Why didn't she leave right away?!" But you need to understand that we are talking about a situation of emotional dependence. Most likely, Elena, who was a victim of domestic violence, had an aggressively distant parent who gave her the attitude: they love for something, love - good. The girl did not receive warmth, love, recognition, and she unconsciously seeks this from her life partner. She, without realizing it, is looking for a figure that replaces her father. A detached-aggressive person, to whom she (as once in childhood) is trying to prove that she is good, that she is worthy of love. And the tougher and ruder a man is in such a relationship, the stronger will be her desire to earn his love and recognition. Even breaking such a pathological relationship, she risks finding another tyrant. I would like to believe that Elena was lucky, but, in general, for Prevention of domestic violence should seek help from a specialist, psychologist or psychotherapist.”
PROTECTION FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
All-Russian helpline for women subjected to domestic violence:
8−800−7000−600.
The Sisters Independent Charitable Center for Survivors of Sexual Assault:
(499) 901-02-01.
Center for Social, Legal and Psychological Support for Women"Hope":
Hot line - (499) 492-46-89, (499) 492-26-81, (499) 492-06-48.
Moscow service of psychological assistance to the population:
(499) 173-09-09.
Hotlines for social and psychological assistance to families and children in Moscow:
(495) 205-05-50 (free, 24/7).
Crisis Center for Women "Domestic Violence":
(495) 122-32-77 (24/7, free).
Moscow Psychological Service:
051 (Free, 24/7).
Helpline" emergency psychological assistance:
(495) 575−87−70.
Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia:
in Moscow: (495) 626-37-07, in St. Petersburg: (812) 718-25-16.
"Salvation" is the only stationary crisis center in the entire Moscow region for women who have suffered from violence and find themselves in a difficult life situation:
Phones: (495) 572-55-38, 572-55-39.