Where did the idea of what is "possible" and "not possible" in relations with the opposite sex come from? They have evolved over the centuries, changed along with the epochs, and our turbulent time is making its own adjustments at such a speed - just have time to follow! Here are a few "rules of personal happiness" that you can safely put away in your grandmother's chest.
Rule 1: Now other men don't exist for you
No, we do not encourage you to cheat on your loved one! But in general, not to notice anyone but him is too much. You have met your love, not died. And if you are walking down the street, and a luxurious man is walking towards you and winks at you - there is no big trouble in smiling back at him … and walking past (and then even dreaming about him a little). Your boyfriend (or husband) will also not close his eyes if he spots a stunning beauty. Don't make a problem out of this. It's human nature and it's okay.
This does not mean that it is necessary to follow every cute passer-by with a dropped jaw. "It's important to respect your soul mate, so you don't want your glares with strangers to be constant and obvious to everyone," remarks Dr. Marcella Baker Weiner.
And if you praise the one whom your loved one appreciated in passing, it will only put you in a good light. "If you admit that another woman is attractive, you seem confident in yourself, which only adds to your own attractiveness," - confident professional couples counselor Roger Rhodes.
" My friend and I are having a game. We look at passers-by and decide which of them is sexy and which is not. This way, we can both stare at those we like with impunity, and still not offend each other. Plus, we make unexpected discoveries about each other's tastes." - Stella, 39
Rule 2: You must give each other a full account of how your day went
You understand that it's not cool if you run after your husband with a ponytail all day - and vice versa. The same applies to the mental journey following the partner along his entire boring work route. Where better to briefly share the events of the day, and then move on to more interesting topics.
How to understand if you are loading it with unnecessary information? “Tell him only things that have caused a genuine emotional response in you,” advises Dr. Lynn Yanni, a psychotherapist. For example, if you have contractions and you are worried about it, or you are excited about the news of your sister's pregnancy - of course, share it with a loved one. But you shouldn’t methodically retell him how you went first to the office, then to the accounting department, then your printer broke down, and new curtains were hung in the boss’s office, and they also say that the secretary has a new lover…
If you are not the first day with this man - you know what he might be interested in, and what makes him turn off and answer with a glassy eye on the machine: "Yes, dear."
Rule 3: You must resolve any conflict on time
The good old slogan is never go to bed without making up.
But an even older and kinder proverb reminds us that the morning is wiser than the evening. Sometimes a problem or resentment just needs to be “sleeped”. Or give up on her.
"Women strive for harmony and balance in relationships, so sometimes we tend to deeply analyze problems that are not worth a damn," says Lynn Yanni.
"Of course, if you hide your emotions now, you run the risk of winding yourself up and exploding later," the therapist agrees. But saying everything that's on your mind doesn't always mean finding a solution to the problem.
"My fiancé's mother is just a walking headache. I can't stand her to the point of colic, and I used to take my anger out on him. But I realized that I was unfair to him. She is his mother. What can he do? Now I still complain to him if she offends me, but I don't blame him for her behavior. I guess I'll just have to learn to live with it." - Irina, 38
There are problems that have no final solution. It remains to learn to treat them easier.
"Ignore the petty misunderstandings and focus on resolving those conflicts that relate to the core values and goals of your life," says Rhodes. For example: if it annoys you that your precious leaves the plates in the sink - accept it. But if he took and bought half the wall plasma for himself with the money that you saved for the down payment on the mortgage, you will have to clarify whether he really wants to get his own home and finally have a baby.
Rule 4: There is no place for an ex in your life anymore
Why cut off all contact with someone who was really important to you? Just because you don't have a romantic relationship doesn't mean you should hate each other." You start dating someone you like, who has qualities you value, says Dr. Pepper Schwartz.- Even if you couldn't be a happy couple, you can still be good friends.
Of course, there are certain norms of behavior that should be respected. First, stay within the framework of companionship. “Consciously refrain from actions that will make your current man jealous or think that your union is threatened,” reminds Rhodes. In other words, meeting up with an ex for a cup of coffee is fine, but having a romantic candlelit dinner with them is overkill.
Second, make sure your new man understands that you no longer have any romantic feelings for his predecessor. This can be done by arranging three-way gatherings from time to time. “The fact that you called him out to meet your ex shows that the two of you are really just friends now and you have nothing to hide,” says Rhodes. Perhaps the guys will like each other. But even if they don't make friends, it might solve the problem of jealousy.
But remember that friendship with previous lovers works both ways. If you want to keep a friendly relationship with your ex-boyfriend or first husband, you should not be outraged if your current lover wants to communicate with his ex-girlfriend or wife.
Other rules that don't work
These people have learned from their own experience that not all "happy couple rules" live up to expectations:
- " Silly, but I wanted my voice to be the last thing my boyfriend hears every night before bed. So I suggested that he call me at night every time he goes to bed. Only I am a lark, and he is an owl, and he always woke me up with his call. - S., 30
- “We wrote a list of everything we love about each other so that when we fight, it will remind us why we are together. One day, in the middle of an argument, I grabbed this list and tried to read it, and my boyfriend yelled, “To hell with this damn list!” That's how it all ended." - P., 47
- “We promised each other to always tell the truth and nothing but the truth. But after a couple of weeks, I was already shaking from his honest statements that he did not like my new hairstyle or my girlfriend pissed him off. Sometimes ignorance is a blessing.” - T., 35