We asked psychologist Andrey Yudin to answer this question that worries every girl.
I’ll make it clear right away: the question itself is “How to stir up the interest of another?” implies a manipulative approach. The same applies to the advice "Pick up the phone only after the fifth ring", "Do not agree to a date scheduled on the same day", "Disappear for a while without explanation." Such techniques may work with short-term, superficial communication, but any attempt to use a manipulation strategy in a long-term relationship is doomed to failure. Sooner or later, the falsehood will be revealed and leave an unpleasant aftertaste on both sides.
Strong alliances are built only on the basis of sincerity and respect.
But I understand where the opinion "The girl needs to be won" came from. For most women, for centuries, there was no other way to settle down in life than to get married. You had to choose your husband very carefully and behave in such a way as not to be considered affordable, otherwise you will lose your social status, and even the chance of survival. Economic and social realities have changed, but comparisons of the relationship with hunting and taking over a fortress still surface. The context is most often this: the fire of the first love went out, bathrobes and curlers appeared, boredom and irritation. It seems to a man that his companion is not good enough, that he hastened to make a choice. A fantasy arises: if she pretends to be more “cool”, impregnable, then he will feel better. Fantasy gradually develops into a wish, a wish into a demand, and the responsibility for a man's sense of self is gradually shifted to a woman. This behavior is based on self-doubt. And if you go into details, you can talk about variations.
For example, an extroverted man, inclined to assert himself through communication, sees in a woman a way to prove something to the world.
His hidden request: "You have to become cooler to be admired." An introverted man, who at the same time needs consolation, in a relationship unconsciously tries to make up for the lack of maternal love and affection. His claim may sound like this: "You are so kind and sweet, with you I do not feel like a hunter." Translated into Russian, this means: “First reject me, as my mother did, and then suddenly fall in love. Only then will I be happy.” Neither one nor the other request is unrealistic, you can only create an appearance. But even this illusion will not last long. An extrovert will sooner or later be convinced that his partner is still not delightful enough, and the introvert's girlfriend "turns out" not as rejecting or loving as he needs. And if a woman enters into these games, she becomes for a man something like a drug dealer.
It is clear that a person with a he althy sense of self-esteem is unlikely to want to serve as a crutch for someone else's self-esteem.
That's why the demand "Make me want you again" itself does not appear in all pairs. It arises only where the distance between partners is lost and the relationship is somewhat reminiscent of parent-child relationships. There are no boundaries between the mother and the baby; for her, he is a part of himself, and not an autonomous person. When two “stick together” into a single whole, forgetting about their own needs and leaving no air for each other, a woman usually finds herself either in the role of a protective and controlling mother, or in the role of a capricious and dependent girl. Lightness and playfulness leave the relationship, the sexual sphere breaks down, dialogue gives way to accusations, insults and claims. In general, from a lively unpredictable interaction, it degenerates into a set of requirements.
How to find out if the same thing is happening in your couple? Ask a man: “How are you with me? Do you feel equal to me? Am I giving you enough space? Do you need my support?”
You can still watch yourself. Women who find themselves in the position of a mother control all spheres of a man’s life, go into the details of his affairs, seize the initiative even in small things, and when he has problems, they consider it their duty to comfort and restore inner peace. “Daughters” verbally and non-verbally set the conditions on which they are ready to meet with a man, behave as if the partner should “pay extra” to them for the right to be together. In general, they are trying to get something else in the relationship besides themselves. It is not easy to “get out” of the role, and it is even more difficult to return the distance. It is better to follow it from the very beginning. What does this actually mean? Do not spend all the time together, do not become impudent yourself and do not allow it to another, do not give up your needs in anxiety that the partner will be dissatisfied. And most importantly, to learn a dialogue in which everyone can express feelings and be heard without any evaluation or condemnation. And such a dialogue is possible only on conditions of frankness and respect.